A Secret's Worth
by piratewench78
Summary: 'A secret's worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept.' All the times Rayna thought about telling Deacon the truth about Maddie.
1. Chapter 1

_Recently I rewatched 219. After Rayna wondered, to Tandy, about whether she should have just told Deacon the truth about Maddie, back when she found out she was pregnant, I thought about all the times she might have wished she had told him the truth. Concealing something like that for thirteen years had to have been incredibly stressful, although she seemed, on the surface, to have figured out how to deal with it. So this is about all the times she might have wanted to tell Deacon the truth._

 _ **Prologue**_

As she eased onto the highway from the entrance ramp, she still felt drained. She had a lump in her throat and she kept feeling like she wanted to cry. It had certainly been a stressful day. Sitting in front of that camera, with Teddy on one side and Deacon on the other, and talking about her personal life, _that_ was stressful. It was the thing she never liked to do. She prided herself on keeping her private life private, and that had felt like such a violation, having to talk about Maddie that way. She had been grateful Deacon showed up. And that he didn't make a scene. He'd kept his feelings about Teddy to himself – and she knew how hard that must have been – and stepped up for Maddie. But he'd run out before she'd had a chance to talk to him. To thank him. And so she'd made the drive to the cabin, the second time in just a couple days. After all the years she'd stayed away, it had, once again, been the epicenter of their pain.

 _So why didn't you tell me when she was like three, you know, or five, or ten, or… why didn't you just give me a little more time to be her daddy?_

She had thought it was enough to have him in Maddie's life, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized how awful it sounded. To him, of course, but to her as well. What had she been thinking? How could she possibly have believed it was okay to let him know his daughter without ever knowing she was his? She'd done it with the best of intentions, against Teddy's wishes, because it made her feel like she hadn't done this horrible thing. But she'd never really considered what might happen if the truth ever came out. Because she had always intended to protect both of them from that.

 _The hard part is that right now I still wouldn't know. If she hadn't found out, Rayna, I still wouldn't know. You'd be sitting in that chair, lying to my face right now and every other day for the rest of my life._

 _You don't know that…._

She choked on a sob. She hadn't really had an answer to that. Because, of course, he was right. The reality was that she probably wouldn't have ever told him, on her own. The truth was that, once she'd made the decision to not tell him, there was never a time that made sense. Every time she ever even considered it, she worried that he would prove her right, that he couldn't handle it, that he would do exactly the thing he'd done when he did find out. Get drunk.

 _I lied to you, I did, and now I bet you resent the hell out of me for that, but I guarantee you I resent you even more for putting us in this position in the first place._ She'd said it. She'd wanted to say it all along and she'd finally had her chance, when he poked at the scab of her cover-up all those years. She lashed out, knew she was doing it, felt good in that moment to finally say what had been there all that time. At least until she looked at his face and saw the pain and the hurt and the self-blame. Deacon always took everything on himself, always had, probably always would, whether it was his to shoulder or not. It hadn't always changed anything. In fact, very often it had not. But while his demons had certainly been the start of this twisted, awful plan to conceal, it truly wasn't all on him. Not the way she'd tried to make it seem.

He had turned away from her, finally, tears rimming his eyes, and she had heard herself breathing, in ugly, gasping sounds. She wanted to tell him she hadn't meant it the way it had sounded, that she was sorry she had hurt him, but she couldn't make the words come out. _How do I ever apologize for that? How do I ever say I'm sorry for lying to him all these years? Is there any way I can make him understand just how devastated I was back then? How impossible everything seemed? How much I didn't want this?_

She had turned and practically run down the porch and out to her car. She had pulled open the door and thrown herself into the driver's seat, clutching the steering wheel and trying to breathe. She had dropped the keys on the floorboard as she tried to shove them into the ignition, her hands shaking badly. When she finally got the car started, she had sped back down the dirt and gravel drive to the main road.

She hated that it had happened the way it had. It had been all the painful, horrible outcomes she could have ever imagined. She acknowledged to herself that the accident was probably the catalyst to him getting back on track. Maybe if that hadn't happened, he'd have fallen back into the cycle, for good probably, and it would have just confirmed for her that she'd made the right choice all those years ago. It was what had always held her back, every single time she'd ever even considered telling him the truth.

She thought he was more hurt now than angry, although there was still some anger there, she could tell. She hadn't really allowed herself to think about how he felt. She'd been so wrapped up in her own anger and her own pain. And in the aftermath of the car accident, she hadn't been sure she could ever even be around him again. It had helped that Maddie had been so ambivalent about all of it then. It had kept her from having to face what had happened and having to deal with it. But when Maddie finally decided she did want a relationship with him, she had had to let him back in, and now she knew she needed to think about what all this had done to him.

* * *

By the time she walked into the house, she was exhausted. The girls were with Teddy and she had told Luke she had a headache and just wanted to sleep it off, so the house was empty when she walked in. She dropped her purse on the counter, along with her keys, and shrugged out of her jacket and scarf, laying them across a chair. She walked up the stairs to her bedroom and straight back to the closet. She dragged the stepladder over and then opened the top cabinet. She hesitated for just a moment, then reached in and pulled out a small suitcase.

She stood, just holding it, for a moment, then got off the stepladder and slid down onto the floor, laying the suitcase beside her. She crossed her legs, one over the other, and laid her hand on the top of the suitcase. She looked down at it. It was a plain, tan suitcase. She'd had it since she was a little girl and it was one of the suitcases that had been sitting in the foyer at her father's house the night he'd kicked her out. She ran her hand over it and closed her eyes. This was where she'd kept all her most personal memories, since she'd first started out all those years ago.

It held all her memories. All those significant events, from the time she'd been running around town playing every open mic she could, to when she finally was headlining arenas. To her knowledge, Teddy never knew it was even there, because certainly he would have mentioned finding those journals, with all her most personal thoughts. The pictures. The videos. The memorabilia. And every ounce of pain she'd ever felt, written down in journals.

She opened her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened it. There was the picture of her and Deacon, sitting on stools at the Bluebird. She reached out and rubbed the edge with her thumb and forefinger. She smiled softly. They had been so young then. So filled with hope and dreams. It was before things had started to get so bad with him, back before her whole life seemed to be filled with worry and dread, heartache and pain. There were badges and articles, travel documents and notes. She laid her hand on top of one of her old lyrics notebooks. It was an old spiral bound notebook. These days she had leather bound notebooks, but this was from the early days, when she and Deacon hardly had two nickels to rub together.

She knew what she was looking for and she set aside the lyrics notebook and several videos. Bucky had gotten all the old ones moved to DVD's so she could still watch them if she wanted. She didn't though. Not the old ones anyway. Too much pain. Too much heartache. She finally found what she was looking for, a notebook stuffed with loose paper, where she'd written down notes about things that were happening, feelings she had, stuff she needed to write out. It was held closed by a couple of large rubber bands. She sat back, holding the notebook in her lap, closing her eyes. All her most private thoughts were here.

The pain had been visceral, especially in the beginning. Over time, it had lessened. The panic that always seemed to be right in her throat those first few years had nearly choked her. Even that too eased off as time went on. But there were always those times when the heartache rose up, special days, significant events, milestones. Those were the times she'd write in this notebook. Those were the times when she would give in to the loss of all she had dreamed of.

He really hadn't pushed back on her before, made her feel as bad as he could have, about what she'd taken away from him. He'd lost all those years as Maddie's father and yet he'd shouldered the blame and let her take the lead. She could see so clearly that he and Maddie wanted to develop that relationship and it caused her heart to ache when she really thought about how she'd kept them from doing that all these years. She really felt like she needed to go back and think about what he'd lost. What Maddie had lost. What they'd all lost together.

She opened her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she took the rubber bands off the notebook and opened it, preparing herself for the rush of emotions that would surely follow.


	2. Chapter 2

She had surely thought about telling Deacon during her pregnancy. She had even planned to, back in the beginning. Mostly, though, what she thought about were the implications of not telling him, of making the choice she'd made to keep that information from him. She'd cried every night for a year, wondering about that choice, wondering if she'd done the right thing, wondering if it was fair, grieving the loss of the life she'd wanted with him. It was the pain she remembered, all too well, that kept her from following her heart, and it was what had sort of set the tone for everything that had gone on afterwards.

It almost seemed, when she was pregnant, that it wasn't quite real. Until Maddie was born, she could almost put it out of her mind. Except that she missed him, far more than she'd ever thought she would. He'd been her life for so long. He had been her future. She'd known that the moment she'd laid eyes on him. He was in her blood. She had loved him with every fiber of her being.

That was the thing she knew would never leave her. She couldn't be with him but it didn't mean she'd stopped loving him. She'd married someone else, made a promise to him, and promised him the thing that caused her heart to shatter in a million pieces, but she still loved Deacon. She had cared for Teddy, even loved him in her own way, but she knew Deacon would never leave her heart.

She sighed. He hadn't left her heart. She'd spent the past nearly fifteen years pushing that love as far down inside her as she could. _I just wanna protect myself, protect my family. I wish I could just put him off in a box somewhere and not have to think about it anymore._ That's what she'd told Tandy, back after the accident, when Maddie first wanted to reach out to Deacon as a father. She had tried to protect her heart, but it hadn't worked out any better this time around. He was still there. And she was finding it harder and harder not to face up to it all.

She sighed again and looked down at her notebook.

 _ **~nashville~**_

When she looked at the test results and saw they were positive, she sank down on the bathroom floor and wept. She wasn't sure how long she cried, but when she finally felt like there were no more tears to cry, her head hurt and her eyes were sore and her nose was stuffy. She looked at the stick one more time and then threw it in the trash. She felt sick to her stomach and leaned over the toilet.

* * *

She laid on the floor for a long time, the tile feeling cool against her cheek. But she couldn't stay there forever, so she got up and splashed water on her face and then looked in the mirror. Her eyes were red, her face was blotchy, there were dark circles under her eyes. She breathed in deeply, tamping down the bit of remaining nausea. She thought back to that night at the cabin, that night that had been magical, followed by a morning that had been a nightmare. She'd been caught up in the romance of being back at the cabin, the place he'd bought for her, and she'd said yes to marrying him. It was all she had ever wanted. But the light of day had brought the realization she'd been fooled, again. He was passed out on the couch with a nearly empty bottle of whiskey on the table beside him. She had fled back to Nashville and had avoided Teddy for over a week, telling him she was sick. And she _was_ sick. Heartsick.

She forced herself to think back to that night. She hadn't been prepared. She wasn't thinking the night would end the way it did. So she didn't have her diaphragm. And he didn't have a condom. And she didn't even consider whether it was the right time of month or the wrong time. She'd never made love to Teddy without being prepared. So she knew, right then, that this baby was Deacon's. But she told herself she wasn't sure.

She sat down on the edge of the tub and put her hand over her still flat stomach. It wouldn't be this way for too much longer. She wouldn't be able to hide it forever. She felt the tears well up in her eyes as she considered her options. She was positive that once she told Teddy he would break up with her. There was no way he'd want to have anything to do with her, she was sure. And Deacon, well, he was not an option either. When she'd gotten back to Nashville that day she had called Coleman and told him, in no uncertain terms, to put Deacon back in rehab. On her dime. Again. So he was in rehab for the fourth time and the thought of it made her angry.

She closed her eyes. _What am I gonna do?_ She'd be a single mother, not something she'd planned on. There would be speculation about the father of her baby, also not something she wanted. Her private life had always been private. She had worked hard to protect herself and, for years, Deacon, from all the whispers and gossip. She refused to talk about things like Deacon's sobriety and his trips to rehab and the problems he'd caused her professionally over the years. Stubbornly refused to even acknowledge them. But a baby would be impossible not to acknowledge.

She was going to have to figure something out, but it didn't have to be that day. She needed to sit on this for a minute, try to just work through the emotions of knowing she was pregnant, before she tried to figure out what to do next.

* * *

She was almost eight weeks pregnant when she finally acknowledged to herself that she was running out of time to control the message. She needed to make some decisions and the only person she knew to go to was Tandy. Tandy had put her arms around her and made her tea and talked to her about what she was going to do.

"I think it's probably Deacon's," she said to her sister.

Tandy had looked shocked. "Deacon's? How could it possibly be Deacon's?"

Rayna looked away. "I went to the cabin," she whispered. "I ended up staying all night."

When she looked back at her sister, she saw sadness on her face. "Oh, sweetheart," Tandy said. "How long ago?"

Rayna shrugged. "A couple months ago." She looked at her sister. "Neither one of us was prepared."

Tandy's face fell. "But you've been seeing Teddy, right? So it could be his."

Rayna shook her head. "We never…." She didn't want to say it out loud, but she could tell Tandy understood. "I need to talk to him."

Tandy frowned. "Why?"

"Because he's probably the father, Tandy," Rayna said. "I _have_ to tell him."

Tandy was silent for a moment. "There has to be another way."

Rayna shook her head. "There's not." She squeezed her hands in her lap, so tightly it brought tears to her eyes. "Teddy will never understand," she whispered.

"You don't know that, Rayna," Tandy said. "Teddy's a good man and I know he loves you very much." She sighed. "Do you really need to tell him you think it's Deacon's? Isn't it possible the baby could be his? I mean, no birth control is a hundred percent."

Rayna bit her lip and shook her head. "I just don't see how. I mean, I guess anything's possible, but I know, Tandy." She looked at her sister. "I _know_."

* * *

In the end, Tandy took her to try to find Deacon. She knew he'd left rehab early and Tandy drove her to his house, but he wasn't there. So they went to the cabin.

She'd been heartbroken to see him the way he was. He was drinking and destroying things, everything she'd walked away from. She didn't want to leave without telling him but Tandy had said something that had made her think twice. _Do you want him to be the father? Do you have any idea what could happen to you or that baby if he was?_ It broke her heart to leave. She still thought she might have another opportunity to tell him, but Tandy and Teddy, together, talked her out of it.

She ultimately made the decision to marry Teddy and put his name on the birth certificate and let the world believe he was her daughter's father. She'd held her breath for a while, wondering if Deacon would remember they'd been together at the cabin. She knew, if he even suspected he might be her baby's father, he would have sought her out. When he didn't, she began to breathe easier.

* * *

She sat at the kitchen table in the condo she shared with Teddy. It was the tail end of March. She was supposed to still be out on the road but, with the baby coming, she'd had to scramble to reschedule as many of those later dates as she could. Teddy had come out with her that week after they were married. It was supposed to be their honeymoon, but he'd had to go back to Nashville early. She smiled sadly to herself, remembering how miserable he'd been. He'd tried to be a trouper, but she'd made him go home. It hadn't been fun for either of them for him to spend the whole trip in the bathroom. _Poor Teddy._

It wouldn't be long before the baby was born. A daughter. She and Teddy had settled on the name Madeline Virginia, for his mother and hers. The nursery was almost ready. She wasn't, though. It should have been a happy time, preparing for the birth of her daughter, but instead she just felt heartbroken. Nothing was as it should have been and, while she was grateful for Teddy and his support, her emotions were all over the place. She couldn't blame it all on hormones though.

For so many years she had dreamed of building a life and a family with Deacon. Even at the worst of times, she was always hopeful that the next stay in rehab would be the one that stuck. That he'd find the internal strength to stay the course. But it never stuck and he'd never figured out how to make it work for the long haul and now she was married to someone else, pretending he was the father of her baby. She took a deep breath as she struggled to push down the emotions.

She sat for a moment, her hands clasped tightly in front of her on the table. Then she looked down at the notebook she'd brought in with her and laid on the table. She put her hand on top of it. A sob bubbled up in her throat and she clenched her jaw, trying to hold it in. She took another deep breath and then breathed out slowly.

She opened up the notebook in front of her. She'd scrawled out a few paragraphs, the day after she'd found out she was pregnant, and at various other times along this heartbreaking journey. Sometimes it provided her with solace, sometimes with clarity, but mostly it just memorialized her pain. She ran her hand down the first page, smoothing it out, even though it didn't need it.

 _I'm pregnant. I can't believe it. I wanted a family for so long with Deacon and now that it's impossible, I'm pregnant._

 _I did about ten pregnancy tests and they're all positive. I wish I thought that Deacon could be strong for us, but I just don't know if he can. He's in rehab for the fourth time – how many times does it take? I know maybe I should be grateful that he still tries, but what good does it do if he always fails?_

 _I don't know what to do. Do I tell him? And if I do, then what happens? I think I end up still having this baby all by myself, without him to support us. I can't count on him. He's told me so many times that he would do this. So many that I've lost count. And he never does. He wants to, but he still never does._

 _I just don't know what to do._

She bit her lip as she read, feeling the same overwhelming emotions she'd felt the day she'd written it. The heartache, the weight of it all, it felt overwhelming. She'd felt like it was crushing her, crushing her soul. She had finally disentangled herself from the destruction and the pain of her relationship with Deacon and the thought of having to live with it again for the rest of her life had felt so devastating. And so she had decided not to tell him.

She put her hand on her stomach. _Our baby. Mine and Deacon's._ She knew it was his, had never really had any doubt, even though she'd let Teddy and Tandy try to convince her otherwise. She knew Teddy desperately wanted the baby to be his. They weren't doing a paternity test until the baby was born, but as each day went by, he'd grown more and more attached, more and more sure that, no matter what, this baby was his.

She cried herself to sleep every night, silently, over what she couldn't have. She always waited until she heard Teddy's even breathing and knew he was asleep. Then she would roll over onto her side and let the tears roll down her cheek and onto her pillow. Every single night, she cried herself to sleep, wanting it to be Deacon on the other side of the bed, wanting it to be Deacon's ring she wore on her finger.

She turned the page, remembering now when she had asked her doctor to do the paternity test.

 _She waited until the doctor left the exam room and then slid off the table. She took off the exam gown and laid on the table, then got dressed. She stood for a moment, running her hands over her stomach. The baby was starting to move and she was enchanted with every flutter she felt. It also caused her to wonder what it would be like if Deacon were the one to put his hand beside hers and feel the still gentle movement of their child inside her._

 _She took a deep breath and then, picking up her purse, opened the door and walked down the hall to Dr. Norris's office. Dr. Norris was scribbling on her chart and looked up with a smile when Rayna walked in and sat down._

" _Everything is perfect," Dr. Norris said. "You could probably stand to gain a little more weight, but it's not an issue." She folded her hands in front of her. "Any questions for me?"_

 _Rayna swallowed and nodded, then looked away. "I, uh, I need a favor," she said. She looked back at the doctor. "I, um, I'm going to need a paternity test done," she practically whispered. "When the baby's born."_

" _I can do that."_

" _I need it to be very discreet," Rayna said._

" _I'll handle it myself."_

 _Rayna twisted her fingers in her lap. "Teddy and I both decided on this," she said. "The baby, well, the baby's probably…."_

 _Dr. Norris held up her hand and shook her head. "I don't need to know the details, Rayna," she said. "I will handle it with the utmost discretion."_

 _Rayna felt tears in her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered._

She reached up and brushed away the tears that formed even now. She and Teddy had talked about it, before they got married. He had told her he didn't need it, but she thought he'd always wonder if they didn't. But the truth was, _she_ wanted to be sure. She had made the decision to ask about it when he wasn't with her, to save him from feeling embarrassed. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference, but somehow she thought it would.

She looked down at the page in front of her. _There's still time. Even though Deacon's in rehab and I've married Teddy, there's still time. I could tell Deacon right now, give him time to adjust to the idea. Maybe it would make it easier. But I really think all it would do is just bring up more questions. More hurt. More disappointment._

 _There's a part of me that really feels like he should know. He's going to be a father and I think he'd want to know that. But Teddy's right. And Tandy's right. He's a mess. He's on his fifth rehab and there's no guarantee it will take. In fact, I'm pretty sure it won't, because it never has before. I'm not sure he'd be okay with Teddy and me raising the baby, if he knew. I think he would resent that I made decisions without him._

 _I feel like it would be too much for him, trying to stay sober and be a father. I still worry about him every day. I worry that one day he'll get drunk and no one will be there to help him. I can't bring a child up with that kind of uncertainty. He might hate me for this someday, but I have to do what's right for my baby. For our baby. I wish there were some way he could have a place in her life, but I just don't know how that would even work._

 _I wish I had confidence he could do this, but I just don't. I hate feeling that way, but I don't. I lived with this for more than ten years. I watched him fail over and over. He's been to rehab five times now and he can't make it work. I don't know if he'll ever make it work. I'm really afraid this disease is going to kill him, sooner rather than later. I think I made the right choice, for my baby and for me._

 _As much as I hate it, I think it's best this way. I think it's best for all of us._

* * *

She'd made him go to a six month program the last time she'd sent him to rehab. Not that she believed he could stay sober, but because he'd be away from her. Cole had told her she needed to let him go, that the only way he'd get better was to cut ties with him. That had been when she'd told him about the baby, that she was sure it was Deacon's. She remembered the look on his face, that look of sad resignation. And then he'd told her it was more important than ever that she let Deacon go. She'd gone home and cried until she made herself sick.

* * *

 _Deacon's home. Cole told me. I asked if he thought it would be okay if I saw him but Cole said no._

"Rayna, he's just out of rehab." Cole's voice, over the phone, sounded a little exasperated. "Remember what I told you. You cut him loose. It needs to stay that way."

"I know, but won't he expect…."

"No, Rayna. He's fragile right now. You know how that is. It's always that way just after he gets out. Seeing you won't do him any good." He sighed. "He knows you and Teddy got married and he knows you're having a baby."

"Did he ask…?"

"No. I think you're safe." He paused. "This is how it needs to be, Rayna. You know that."

 _I know Deacon needs to stand on his own. I want him to get well. I want him to stay sober. As much as I want to see him and as much as I flirted with the idea of telling him the truth, I can't. I know that. I can't do that to Teddy, but most of all, I can't do it to Deacon._

 _It never seemed to take much to put Deacon together with a bottle of whiskey. And I truly believed that if he didn't make it this time, he wouldn't make it at all. So I had to stay away, as much as it killed me to do it._

 _The baby will be here in less than a month. I can't wait to meet her but I'm also scared. What will happen when Teddy knows for sure she's not his? Will Deacon ever wonder? Will his memory of that night ever resurface? Would he even want to be a father? I know he had horrible role models. Would he think he couldn't do it? Would it be too much for him in the end? So many questions without answers._

 _I know, more than anything, that I need to protect her. That's my job. I will always keep her safe. I don't want her life to be turned upside down, which is why I'm doing this. It's not what I want. It's never been what I want. And if I ever have a chance to tell Deacon that, if it ever comes to it, I hope he'll understand and that he won't hate me forever for making this choice. But it's the only thing I could do, because she's more important than anything._

 _ **~nashville~**_

She sat back against the wall, letting all of that wash over her. Maddie was born just three weeks later and she had spent the whole time terrified Deacon would show up at her door, asking questions, asking if the baby was his. But he didn't. He didn't even try to see her. That should have been a relief, but instead it had hurt.

She did still wonder, at times, what might have happened if she'd just told Deacon back then, at any point along the way. Like she'd said to Tandy, maybe it would have been just the thing that would have made him stop drinking right then. Maybe the knowledge that they were going to have a baby would have been the thing that made him be the man he'd always wanted to be for her. But she hadn't had a crystal ball back then, so she couldn't have known that the last time in rehab would be the one that took. She thought that it probably was the only time she could have told him when he wouldn't have felt so betrayed. It was the only 'right' time, except that she'd been too afraid. She did finally stop thinking about that, as the years went on, that maybe she had missed the opportunity to have everything she'd ever wanted with him.

She'd put all those feelings in a little box and buried it deep down inside, the same way she'd put the paternity test results in a box and buried it in her closet. Although she hadn't buried that box deep enough, as it turned out, so maybe her feelings weren't as buried as she'd thought either. She had cried every day for a year over what she'd lost. She hated doing it, it made her feel disloyal to Teddy, but Deacon had been her world for so long and it was hard to watch it disintegrate and it was harder still to shut the door on it. Forever, she'd thought.

She looked up at the ceiling and felt the tears slowly trickle down her cheeks. She thought again about the look on his face, as they'd stood there on the porch at the cabin. She thought about the hurt she'd seen in his eyes, the pain of what she'd done. He'd been so angry, in those days just after Maddie had gone to him with the paternity test results. He'd told her he would never forgive her. And yet, in the aftermath of the accident, he'd backed off. He'd waited, until Maddie was ready. Until _she_ was ready. It was time to face it all.

She looked back down at the notebook sprawled across her lap and bit her lip. Then she turned the page.

 _ **Thanks for all the kind reviews. I enjoy hearing your thoughts about the story.**_


	3. Chapter 3

The day Maddie was born had been both the happiest and the saddest day of her life. She had been so happy to meet her daughter for the first time, to hold her in her arms. It had been everything she'd dreamed of, holding that beautiful being for the very first time. She had felt a love she'd never known possible. But it was also the day everything became real. It was the day she knew she'd spend the rest of her life protecting her daughter. Protecting her from her own father. Her eyes were burning with tears as she thought about the internal struggle she'd had that day.

Deacon was back in Nashville then and it would have been so easy to pick up the phone and call him. It had felt like she could have told him then and they could have worked it out. But she didn't know what she would say. She had promised Teddy, of course, and then she had married him. The conflict inside her had nearly brought her to her knees. But she had stayed strong, stayed focused on taking care of her daughter, protecting her.

She sat with the notebook on her lap and thought again about all the decisions she had made, all through Maddie's life. That first year was the hardest though. She thought it was probably because, once Maddie was born, it meant she had to face what they'd done every day. Every time she looked at her daughter, she saw Deacon. It was so raw, so close to the skin then.

She swallowed hard and then looked back at the next page in her journal.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She'd had those Braxton-Hicks contractions off and on for several weeks. She remembered calling her doctor in a panic, thinking she was in labor, and not being ready for that. But it wasn't time and so she went about preparing things for her baby, putting the last touches on the nursery. She thought a lot about Deacon during those last few weeks. He'd finished rehab and was back in Nashville, she knew. She also knew he had to have heard she was married. And pregnant.

Once the baby was born, they would do a paternity test. Even though she was certain the baby was Deacon's, it had been an emotional rollercoaster, not knowing for sure. She wasn't sure how she was going to feel. _Will I be glad she's Deacon's? Will I wish she were Teddy's instead? And if she's Teddy's, will I be disappointed?_ The uncertainty and the emotions were eating away at her. She was ready to know the truth, but at the same time she feared it. It would make all the decisions she'd made back when she agreed to marry Teddy and let him be the legal father of her baby, regardless of paternity, real.

* * *

The day she finally went into labor, she'd waited at home as long as she could before she let Teddy take her to the hospital. He'd been frantic, poor guy, worried they wouldn't make it to the hospital in time. But this – giving birth – this was going to make the whole thing real. She would have a baby and then she would put Teddy's name on the birth certificate. No one had to know, if he wasn't the baby's father. Legally, and publically, Teddy would be her daughter's father. She had wondered, sometimes, if there would ever be a situation where the truth would come out, but Teddy had assured her all would be fine, as long as they both honored their deal.

She was glad Teddy was there with her, holding her hand as she pushed. He'd been so strong and so supportive, so loving, throughout all of it. She'd been very lucky that he had stayed in her life, that he'd wanted to be there for her and for her baby. She'd grown to love him, in a way that she felt was a very grown-up kind of love. The kind of love you had when you built a future with someone, something solid and secure. He was her partner, both that day and in life.

When she finally held her baby girl in her arms, and looked down at her face, she had known, without needing a paternity test, that she was Deacon's. There wasn't a single thing about her that looked like Teddy. Her doctor had discreetly swabbed Maddie's mouth and they would know for sure in less than a week.

Teddy was over the moon about Maddie. She could tell he had fallen in love with her the minute he held her, and she'd felt a sense of relief. It hadn't been a given that he would accept the baby, but it seemed he had, even without knowing if she was his. She started to feel more comfortable about the whole situation, at least until everyone had left and they were all alone.

She was holding Maddie, cooing at her softly, when Teddy came to stand by her bed. She looked up at him with a smile on her face that faded when she saw the serious look on his. "What's wrong?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Nothing's wrong," he responded. "But I saw your face when you looked at her." She rolled her lips together and looked down. "Rayna, _I_ am Maddie's father. No matter what those test results show." She looked back up at him then. "But I need your word that you will never tell him the truth. That _I_ will always be Maddie's only father."

She felt so conflicted then. She wondered, not for the first time, whether keeping this from Deacon was wrong. "Teddy, I…." she started. Agreeing to that in the cold light of day was one thing, but now that Maddie was here and in her arms, she could feel herself waver. Nothing felt as certain, or sure, as it had before.

He frowned. "No, Rayna. There's _no_ place in our lives or in her life" – he nodded towards Maddie – "for him. You wanted me to protect her. That's what I'll do, for the rest of her life. But only if you promise me you will _never_ tell him." She felt a lump in her throat. "Promise me, Rayna."

She wanted to cry. This was her last chance, she knew that, to change her mind. She closed her eyes for a moment and all she could see was the pain and disappointment and turmoil her life had been for the last eleven years. This was a horrible choice, a terrible decision, but she had to put her daughter first. She opened her eyes and looked back at him. "I promise," she whispered.

* * *

Rayna waited until Teddy left, then slid off the bed. She padded softly over to the baby bed and looked down at a sleeping Maddie. She reached down and ran her index finger ever so gently over her wisps of dark hair. She had Deacon's hair. And his eyes. She felt a lump in her throat and swallowed.

Maddie's eyes were crystal blue, like Deacon's. They might not stay that way, but Rayna suspected they would. She watched Maddie sleep, her breathing shallow and even. _We have a baby girl, babe. And she's absolutely perfect. She has ten fingers and ten toes. Her fingers are long, so I know she'll be a musician. She looks just like you. When I look in her eyes, I see you. I wish we could be doing this together. My heart is just broken over this._

She felt the tears well up and spill over and she turned away. She wrapped her arms tightly around her waist, screwing her face up as she struggled not to sob. She took a few deep breaths and then walked over to the bag she'd brought with her. She unzipped the side pocket and pulled out her notebook. She walked back over and peeked one more time at Maddie, then sat down on the chaise lounge and started to write.

 _Deacon, I had a baby girl today. She's nineteen and a half inches long and weighs seven pounds, so she'll be tall and slender, I think. She has a little bit of hair, dark brown with just a little wave to it, and big blue eyes. She has such a serious face, as she looks at me, like she's trying to figure out the world._

 _She's ours, babe. The world will know her as Maddie Conrad, but she's really ours and I'll always know that. I wish I could tell you about her and I wish we could talk about all our hopes and dreams for her. It breaks my heart that it can't be that way, but I have to believe you'd only want the best for her too._

 _Maybe one day you'll know her. I'm not sure I can ever see myself being able to tell you the truth about her though. But I promise to love her and take care of her and always keep her safe, and I know you'd want that too._

 _Teddy will be a good father. He loves her already and a child can never be loved by too many people. I hope you would understand that I tried to give her a stable life and a father who would take good care of her and love her the way she deserves._

 _This wasn't the life I had planned. I know it wasn't what you planned either. We were going to do this together someday, but we can't. And that hurts more than I can tell you. I wish this wasn't our reality. I know you'd change it if you could – I_ _believe_ _that, babe – but you can't. And I can't raise our daughter that way. So as much as I don't want it to be, it is our reality._

 _Maybe someday I can tell you about her, but I'm just not sure that will ever happen. My heart knows she's yours and that she's just this perfect blend of you and me. That may just have to be enough._

 _I will watch over her and try to never let her know a moment of pain. I'll give her the most perfect life I can, to make up for the fact that you're not a part of it. I'll raise her up to be good and kind and I'll fill her life with love and music, just like we would have done for her._

 _Thank you for her. She will always be the most precious being in my life._

She closed the notebook and then put her head down, sobbing quietly until her stomach hurt and her head hurt and she felt nauseous. In her head she heard something she remembered hearing when she was a little girl, in church – _Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive._ It had never been her plan and she was devastated that it had come to that.

 _ **###################**_

After Teddy left to go to work, Rayna fed Maddie, then gave her a bath. She dressed her in a downy soft onesie and then held her until she fell asleep. She placed her gently in her crib and then stood for a moment, watching her. One of her favorite things to do was to watch Maddie sleep. She was thoroughly enchanted by her baby girl and loved her new role as a mama. She stood beside the crib for a long time, filled with wonder over the tiny being lying there asleep.

When she finally left the nursery, she walked down to her bedroom. She opened her lingerie drawer and reached in, sliding her hands under the stacks of bras and panties, retrieving her notebook. She went and sat in one of the chairs that was in front of the window that looked out over the pool. She opened the notebook and started to write.

 _The test results came yesterday. Somehow Teddy seemed surprised. Or maybe he just wanted me to think he was surprised. But there it was, in black and white. 0% possibility that he is Maddie's father. It was what I expected but he seemed so sad that I couldn't help but feel bad for him._

 _I asked him if it changed anything for him and he said no, but it worried me a little. But then I found him later, holding our daughter, and he told me he would never disappoint Maddie, that he would be the best father he could be and he would always love her as if she were his flesh and blood._

 _I cried a little, mostly because she deserves that. Her own father will probably never know her, at least not that way, and it was such a relief to know she'd have a good, stable father. He looked hurt though. I know it must be disappointing and I'm not really sure what to say to comfort him. Maddie's lucky to have him and I told him that, but the truth is, it breaks my heart a little. I promised Teddy I wouldn't tell Deacon – ever – and that feels awful. As hurt as I know Teddy is over this, I can't help but think what a terrible thing I've done to Deacon._

 _Tandy keeps telling me this isn't the worst thing I could do, but it sure feels like it. I know she and Daddy are cutthroat in business and that's never felt like me. I've always been honest and tried to do the right thing and now I'm not. I've made a decision that affects my daughter's life and my life and Deacon's life. And I still feel so bad about that. I know it was the best thing for Maddie, but it still makes me feel sick to my stomach._

 _I've never lied to Deacon before. And this will just change everything. I know it will._

She sat quietly, her hands folded across the notebook. She felt so conflicted. As much as she had loved Deacon, he had torn her life apart. For so many years, she'd thought the bravest, strongest thing she'd done was to stand by him, being there to support him. But finally, in the dark of one of the darkest nights the two of them had ever weathered together, she had known that, in fact, the braver thing was to walk away. So much of their relationship had been magic, but over time he'd destroyed it, one drink at a time, one black out at a time, one disappointment at a time, until there was nothing left.

The tears came again and she put her face in her hands. She reminded herself, though, that down the hall there was a little girl who didn't deserve to grow up in that kind of darkness and she, once again, pushed aside those feelings of regret.

 _ **###################**_

She lifted Maddie out of the car seat, balancing her on her hip, and then slid the diaper bag over her other shoulder. She looked down at her daughter and smiled. Maddie looked up at her and let out a little happy noise, waving one arm in the air while she clutched Rayna's shoulder with her other hand. Rayna's smile widened as she watched her baby. She'd made the decision to take at least a year off from touring, after Maddie was born, and she'd been afraid she'd be anxious to get back on the road. But, surprisingly, she had loved every bit of being Maddie's mama.

Bucky had been apprehensive about it too, but she had agreed to at least do an album while she was off the road. She would go back in studio in two weeks and start laying down tracks. She'd done no writing, but she'd chosen a number of songs to record from the bags of demos Bucky had dropped off for her.

As she walked into the house, she felt a vague sense of melancholy. Her band would be in studio with her. Except for Deacon. It made her wonder what he was doing. _How_ he was doing. Cole had told her he was doing well, but she hadn't spoken to him in weeks. It made her feel disloyal, somehow, to keep asking, and she sensed it made Cole uncomfortable, so she had backed off.

She put Maddie in her bouncy seat in the den and ran her fingers over the baby's chest, eliciting sweet baby giggles. Maddie's eyes had stayed that clear crystal blue and as her hair grew in, she looked more and more like Deacon. At least to her. She tried not to dwell on it much, but it had been hard. She'd lost count of the number of times she'd picked up the phone to call him, the guilt overwhelming her, only to stop herself, unable to do it.

She walked into the kitchen to make some tea. She looked back at Maddie while she waited for the water to boil. She was almost six months old and already developing her own personality. Mostly she was a happy baby, but sometimes she would get stubborn and she would frown and set her lip. That's when Rayna could see Deacon so clearly in her. And she would wonder, yet again, about the what if's.

When her tea was ready, she walked back into the den and sat down. Maddie was starting to doze off, her head tilting over on her shoulder. She got back up and retrieved her notebook from the diaper bag, then settled back onto the love seat.

 _I know Deacon knows I'm married and a mama, because I know Cole told him. I guess that's why he's stayed away, hasn't called. Sometimes that hurts, but mostly I'm grateful. I'm afraid if I saw him, looked in his eyes, he would see my deception. He knows me so well, just like I know him._

 _It was something we learned over time, how to communicate through our music and then almost without any words. It truly felt like he was part of my soul and I know he felt the same about me. I don't have it with Teddy, that instinctive knowing. Deacon could always read me like a book._

 _I can't imagine that we'll never see each other again. Nashville's a small town in that way, especially in the music business. We'll cross paths, in a studio or on a stage. We'll both be at an awards show or something. But now I have time, to really figure out how to live with this._

 _As Maddie gets older, I wonder what will happen. Will he see her one day and recognize himself in her? Or will he just accept that she's Teddy's?_

 _One thing I've come to realize is that Teddy's right. I can't tell Deacon, although Teddy's reasons for that are different than mine. If he's ever going to have a chance to get better, I can't let that be the thing that derails him. But it's also better for Maddie._

 _The truth is that my life with Deacon was a roller coaster, even without the drinking. We're musicians and our lives are hectic and ever-changing. Maddie has a chance at a real normal life, with Teddy. Even my life will be more settled, more even-keeled, and I think that's what's best for raising a child. While a part of me would love nothing more than for Deacon to know his daughter, I think the deal Teddy and I made is best for both of them._

 _There are still days, when I look at her, that I worry that I've made the wrong choice. When I think about the fact that I'm playing with lives and hearts and I can't drop them or break them. I learned, during my time with Deacon, how to be strong, how to make hard decisions and choices, how to hold us up. I'll have to do that now._

 _The knowledge of that doesn't make it easier, but it does make it make sense to me._

She stopped writing and looked over at Maddie again. Everything she was doing was for her daughter, to protect her. It could all blow up one day, but she would do everything she could to make sure it did not. She still had that underlying desire to come clean, but as every day passed, she truly felt like she had no other choice.

 _ **###################**_

 _Maddie turns one today. A year ago, I held her in my arms for the first time and I promised to always keep her safe. I made a decision that changed the course of her life and mine. There are days when I question myself, but I still believe I did the right thing for my daughter. The best thing._

 _Deacon's still sober – Cole told me – and I'm glad he's been able to stay the course. But I still hold my breath. For someone who's had to go to rehab five times, it's tenuous still, and I feel like I have to support that by not giving him more than he could handle. I still haven't seen him. I don't trust myself still. But I hate it. I wish I could at least tell him I'm proud of him, tell him I still support him._

 _Maddie's party is tomorrow. I think it's silly to have a party for a one year old, but Teddy is so excited about it. He's so proud of her. I have to admit that when I watch them together I know she's a lucky girl. Teddy's a good father. It didn't have to be that way, and I know it wasn't a given, so I'm always grateful for how much he loves her._

 _But when I look in my baby's eyes, all I see is him looking back, his eyes, his soul, his and mine together in this beautiful being we created. Oh God, if Teddy knew I felt this way, it would kill him. But I hate that I can't share this with Deacon. I just don't see any other path, not one that isn't paved with more pain, or loss. Can't stand it though. It's eating away at me, wears me down. Each day I pick up the phone to call him. Each day I lose my nerve._

 _I wonder if it will always be like this or if it will ever get better. But every day that goes by means it would be harder to explain what I did, why I waited. I keep reminding myself it's better this way, that Maddie will have a better life. Teddy and I never talk about it anymore and I think that's a good thing. I just don't think I can run the risk of the damage it would cause if I told Deacon._

 _Doesn't mean I don't want to though._

 _ **~nashville~**_

She wondered what would have happened if she'd put her foot down then. It was not her nature to lie, back then. It had hurt tremendously to think she'd have to keep this secret forever. Tandy was the only other person to know the truth, or so she thought at the time, and she had encouraged Rayna to see it as the opportunity to have a better life for her daughter. She knew that, but it hadn't stopped her from crying herself to sleep every night about it. It hadn't stopped her from wondering if she'd done the right thing.

There were days when it nearly killed her to keep that secret. She'd pick up the phone to call him, then lose her nerve. She'd play out the scenario in her head where she'd go to him and tell him the truth. He'd be angry, sure. He'd be hurt that she'd lied, that she'd married someone else. He'd feel betrayed. And then she'd remember what he'd done all those other times he'd been angry or felt hurt or felt betrayed. He'd drink. And they'd be right back where they started.

It had felt like the hardest thing she'd ever done, to tell herself every single day that she was doing the best thing for her daughter, that she was putting Maddie first. She told herself that enough that she started to believe it. Teddy loved Maddie with his whole heart. He was a good, loving, rock solid father. She knew how fortunate she was that he loved Maddie like she was his own. She'd chosen him and she'd chosen right. She told herself that every single day.

And mostly she had believed it.


	4. Chapter 4

She put the notebook down and rubbed at her temples. She felt a little stiff and she thought she needed a little break, so she pushed up from the floor and slowly made her way down to the kitchen. She filled up the kettle with water and set it on the stove to heat. She leaned back against the counter, thinking back through the past week or so, ever since she'd found out about the video Maddie had made.

Her heart hurt and her emotions felt raw. She had thought the worst of the whole reveal had been the accident. Deacon getting drunk and that whole mess. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the floor. She'd been so angry, but felt so vindicated somehow. That had always been her fear, that he wouldn't be able to handle it, that he'd get drunk, revert to form. But it occurred to her that the reason he'd gone to a bar, the reason he hadn't been able to figure out another way to handle that, hadn't really been that he'd finally found out about Maddie. It had been because she had kept that from him for all those years. It had been what _she_ had done to him. That had been what she'd seen in his face before she'd left the cabin. The pain of what she had done to him. What had he said to her, months ago? _You lost faith in me._ She reached up and wiped away the tears that were trickling down her cheek.

She hadn't trusted him all those years ago, that was true. She had wanted to, but she hadn't. Yes, being pregnant had forced her hand in a lot of ways, but she had made a choice not to wait for him. To take a different path. And that path had led them here.

The whistling of the kettle broke her introspection and she turned and plucked the kettle off the stove. She reached into the cabinet for a mug and then added a tea bag, pouring water over it. She set the kettle back down and picked up the mug, carrying it to the island. She picked up her phone then, while she waited for the tea to steep, and noticed that Luke had called. Things had been unsettled between the two of them too, since he'd found out about Maddie. He'd left the studio rather abruptly, but she hadn't really given it a lot of thought at the time.

She took a breath and then hit the call back button. She forced a smile onto her face when he answered. "Hey, sorry I missed your call," she said.

* * *

She walked back upstairs and slid back down onto the floor of her closet. Talking to Luke had given her a headache. She was tired of feeling like she was refereeing all the men in her life. _Why can't one of them just act like a damn grown-up?_ Luke still had his nose out of joint over Deacon and she was starting to get seriously annoyed by it. The last thing she needed was to have another relationship where Deacon was an unwitting third party. She'd spent fourteen years having that battle with Teddy and she did not want to do that again.

She shook her head and sighed, picking the notebook back up and opening it. She flipped through the pages until she found where she'd left off. She had finished her album 'Thoroughbred' and had two number ones before she even went back out on the road. It was her first album without Deacon, completely without Deacon, and she'd been satisfied that she could do it, even though it was never her favorite record. It was also the first album she'd released where she hadn't written a single song, not even a co-write. She'd been too caught up with Maddie, but, truthfully, she'd been uninspired.

The plan was to start touring again shortly after Maddie's first birthday and the dates were set and venues booked. She'd been in rehearsal for a month before Maddie turned one and she'd come home every day exhausted. Her heart wasn't in it and she hadn't understood why. Being onstage had been a lifeline for her for so many years. She'd never felt as alive as she did standing on the stage in front of thousands of people. She had felt emotional about returning but not in the way she'd expected.

 _ **~nashville~**_

 _I don't know if I can do this. I want to, but I'm not feeling inspired. I remember how energized I always felt, being on stage, singing in front of an audience, hearing the cheers and applause. I love it. It's in my blood. So what's going on?_

She fretted over her lack of enthusiasm. She knew she could tell Teddy she was through, she didn't want to do this anymore, that she just wanted to stay home and be a mama to Maddie, and he would support her, but she also knew, deep down inside, it wasn't really that. It had come to her one afternoon when she had taken Maddie to the park. She didn't want to do this without Deacon. The music meant nothing without him.

The fact that she'd been able to produce an album, one that was successful, was because of her personal power in the music business and the loyalty of her fans. She was proud of the album and knew it was good, but it had not felt genuine the way her others had. It hadn't had that authentic feeling she'd always felt before. But the truth of the matter was that Deacon made music come alive for her. Back all the way to that night at the Bluebird, when she'd first heard him sing. When Watty had put them together and he'd helped her write her truth. She'd learned enough from him that she could do it on her own, but the passion wasn't there. It was just words and notes on a page, without Deacon.

* * *

"What are you saying, Rayna?" Bucky asked, his brow furrowed.

She took a deep breath and then she shrugged. "I'm saying that we need Deacon back. _I_ need Deacon back," she said.

Bucky sat back in his chair. "You sure?"

She nodded. "He's been sober longer than he's ever been before. Cole says he's really committed to this. He knows me, Buck. You know that. He knows how to make me sound good." She sighed. "We would write up a contract that covers everything. Going to meetings, staying sober, consequences for not."

"What about Teddy?"

She looked down at her hands. "He won't interfere. He doesn't like it, but as long as I lay out the boundaries…." She looked back at him. "I'm doing this without his blessing, but it's my career and I've worked too hard at this and it's just obvious to me that I'm better with him in my band than not."

Bucky smiled, but she could see the uncertainty there. "If that's what you want, that's what we'll do," he said. "I'll make the call."

* * *

 _Deacon's coming back. Just to my band. I've been very clear with him that there are personal boundaries and he says he understands. I thought I was going to pass out, though, when I saw him. He looks good. He looks like I remember him, those times he was healthy and sober. He looked like he did back when I first met him. Older, of course, and you can see in his face and in his eyes everything he's gone through all those years, but he looks healthy. It truly took my breath away, seeing him making this work._

 _I had a hard time looking him in the eye for long, so sure he'd see through me. He seems different, somehow, contrite in a way, grateful for the chance, determined to prove himself. All of those things. I was really clear about him going to meetings while we're on tour, working his program. And I'll fire him if he falls off the wagon even once._

 _This is scary. Teddy's mad, doesn't like it at all. I get it. If I'm honest, I wish I didn't feel like I needed to do this. Because he'll also be around Maddie, which is really what Teddy doesn't like. I know Teddy's afraid, but we have a good thing right now. And Maddie loves him, adores him really. I would never take him away from her, or her from him. But Deacon will get to know her and I've decided that it'll be okay. I can feel better about not telling him about her by letting him be around her, see her grow up._

 _I feel sure I can handle it now. I just keep reminding myself I'm doing this for the music. That's what it's about._

* * *

She hadn't really thought through the logistics of Deacon meeting Maddie. She didn't bring her daughter to rehearsals, instead leaving her with the nanny who would travel with her when they went back out on the road. She was nervous about that first meeting and wanted to prepare herself, plan it out. So she was surprised to hear him call her name as she walked towards Sound Check, Maddie on her hip. It wasn't a rehearsal day – she was meeting Bucky to review some tour details – so he wasn't supposed to be there.

She turned. He was standing next to his truck, holding his sunglasses in his hands. Her stomach turned over and she swallowed. Maddie was winding her fingers through her hair and she reached up to disentangle them, as she watched Deacon push off against the truck and take a couple steps towards her. She tried to smile, her mouth feeling dry as the Sahara. "This is a surprise," she managed to say.

He smiled sheepishly and shrugged a little. "Yeah, I guess," he said. "I was meeting someone here who had a guitar he wanted to sell." He took another couple steps closer. She wanted to turn and run. Maddie started to babble. He pointed his sunglasses at her. "This your little girl?" he asked.

She nodded. "Mm hm." She couldn't form words.

He didn't come any closer, but his smile widened a little and she could see his eyes crinkle that way they did. "She looks just like you, Ray," he said. "I bet she looks just like you did at her age."

She breathed in slowly, willing her jangled nerves to calm down. "People say she looks like her father," she said finally. His smile faded at that. She knew he thought she meant Teddy and her heart seemed to squeeze in on itself. She forced herself to smile. "But she's still so young," she went on. "She really just looks like herself."

He nodded. "You think she's ready to tour?" She caught a little twinkle in his eye and knew he was teasing her.

She laughed a little and that felt more normal. "She would probably love to try, but since she's not talking yet, well, you know."

He gave her a small smile. "I bet she'll follow in your footsteps one day," he said quietly.

She breathed in and then out. "Maybe. But, you know, I just want her to have a normal, regular life. I don't want her to be in the spotlight. Not until she's old enough to deal with it." She made a face. "Not at sixteen, for sure."

He nodded. "You did okay, though, Rayna," he said. "You know that." He slid his sunglasses on then. "I guess I need to head out." He focused his eyes on Maddie again, seeming like he was studying her, and she held her breath. Then he looked back at her, but she couldn't see what was in his eyes. "She's a lucky girl to have you for a mama, Ray," he said. "I hope I'll get to know her better." Then he turned and headed for his truck. She stood watching him for a moment, then turned back and headed for the building.

* * *

 _Deacon met Maddie today. My heart was beating so hard, I'm surprised he couldn't hear it. Maybe it was better that it happened unexpectedly. I've been thinking so much about how that first meeting would go and what to do and what to say and when he actually saw her, I didn't see anything that made me think he knew. He just accepted that she was Teddy's._

 _Truthfully that made me a little sad. I've thought so many times about Deacon getting to meet her and in my head I would always tell him the truth. That she was his daughter. Our daughter. But, of course, I can't do that. He's doing so well with staying sober and I can't let him fall off the wagon. I can't risk that, for him or for our daughter. And I can't do it to Teddy. I know that now. I won't harm his relationship with her._

 _It hurts though. It hurts so much._

 _ **###################**_

In the beginning, she felt a little frisson of panic every time Deacon was around Maddie, sure he'd look at her more closely, see himself in her little face, but as the days and weeks and months went on, he gave no indication he didn't believe Maddie was Teddy's. And as the days and weeks and months went on, Rayna began to relax into the professional relationship, her enthusiasm for touring again increasing as time passed. She had made the right choice to bring Deacon back, as risky as it had seemed at first. She even started to relax about Maddie.

By the time the next tour came around, her fears had mostly abated. She still felt as though she needed to stay vigilant, but she stopped worrying every time Maddie ran to Deacon or every time Deacon spent time with her. She began to relax, feeling like she had made all the right decisions.

* * *

 _This is working. Having Deacon back in my band is working. I have to admit that the first tour made me anxious, for so many reasons, but at least the music part seemed to work almost immediately. I was right that Deacon makes me better. That's just always been true. I'm not sure I see us writing together, really, anymore, but I think I'm okay with that. I know we couldn't write the kinds of songs we used to write and I just don't know how we'd write anything that just didn't put us in an awkward place._

 _He's still working his program. He goes to meetings. I feel so many things about that. I'm proud of him, certainly, and I am supportive of him. But I can't deny that it feels so bittersweet. Cole told me I needed to let him go, that the only way he'd get better was to do this on his own and for himself, and it seems he was right about that. But it still hurts. It hurts that he couldn't do this when we were still together. That I didn't think he could do it at a time when we could have made our future work._

 _I watch him with Maddie and I can't help but feel awful about how this has all worked out. I mean, on the one hand, the two of them have the sweetest relationship. Maddie loves her 'Uncle Deacon' or 'Unca Deke', as she calls him now. Her little face lights up when he walks into a room. She watches him adoringly when he plays the guitar for her and sings. It breaks my heart a little to watch him hug her close and smile so genuinely whenever she's around._

 _There are definitely days when I think back to that afternoon, when I stood on the porch at the cabin with Tandy, and watched Deacon through the window. I walked away that day, certain that nothing had changed. But it did. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake not waiting one more time. Because this time, the fifth time, it took. But I also hear Cole's voice in my ear and I wonder if it was because I wasn't there. That hurts too. Because it cost us in so many ways, not the least of which is the chance to have this life with our little girl._

 _I pretend sometimes, in my mind, when I watch the two of them together. I pretend that Deacon is holding his daughter and that Maddie is babbling happily to her father and that, at the end of the day, the three of us will walk out of this arena or rehearsal hall together, to our home, where we will be that family Deacon and I always wanted to be. Then I remember that we're not that family. That we're just friends and work partners and that Maddie's happy to be in the arms of her 'Uncle Deacon'._

 _Maddie's a daddy's girl. As much time as she spends with me, it's Teddy she puts up on a pedestal. He's the one she turns to, when things are good and when she needs comfort. When I watch them together I get that warm feeling too and that's when I know that not only did I give her a good father, but a good life. I think Deacon would have wanted to do that for her, but I still believe that there would always have been that uncertainty, that little bit of worry, and I don't have that with Teddy. And that makes it easier to bear._

 _I wish I could tell him. Maddie's two and a half now and she's becoming her own person and I wish I could tell him that, in spite of who she calls Daddy, that part of who she is comes from him. I can see it and I'm sure Teddy can too. It pains me to watch them together and not be able to tell him, but I remind myself that I have to do what I always said I would do – protect my daughter. I don't want her to have a moment's pain in her life and so I'll take it all on me. For her sake._

 _ **###################**_

 _I'm pregnant. Teddy is thrilled, of course. And, truthfully, so am I. I wanted another baby. I wanted a brother or sister for Maddie. I wanted a child for Teddy. He's been a good husband and a good father. We have a good life, all three of us. Teddy is that stable person I was hoping for. At the end of every tour, whenever we go home on a break, he's there and he's solid and dependable and loving. All the things I ever wanted._

It was true. She was looking forward to the new baby. She and Teddy had talked about it, more than once, but the timing hadn't been quite right. She knew he wondered sometimes if she really wanted another baby and it had made her waver a little, the year before. They had been on a trip to the beach, just after Christmas that year, and Teddy had brought it up. The timing was wrong. If she'd gotten pregnant then, it would likely be right during touring season and she couldn't afford to miss a tour.

He'd been hurt, even a little angry. _I'm beginning to wonder if you really do want another baby._ That had hurt, when he'd said it to her, although he'd immediately apologized. But it had cast a shadow over the rest of the vacation and, when they got home to Nashville, she had wondered if she was being selfish. But being an artist was different than having a regular job. Timing was everything. She was in the period of her career that was really her prime earning years. She had platinum selling albums, number one singles, heavy radio play. She was winning CMA's, Grammy's and ACM awards. Her videos had made her the new Queen of Country Music and her tour dates were selling out. She had moved up to arenas and she was headlining. It wasn't something she could take lightly and taking time off for a pregnancy was risky.

She thought about it, though. She almost told him yes, but then Bucky had called her with the news that her latest single was number one and she was on her way to another platinum album and that he was getting calls to add more dates to her upcoming tour. So she held her ground. But she did promise to consider it the following year.

What she hadn't counted on was getting pregnant so quickly. When she counted back, she'd figured out she'd gotten pregnant just before she left to start the 'Little Bits of Heaven' tour. The baby was due in mid-October and she had promised Teddy she'd end the tour after Labor Day weekend. He wasn't thrilled that she'd still be performing that close to her due date – truthfully, she wasn't either – but it was doable and she didn't want to rework the tour.

Maddie would be thrilled, she knew. She'd been asking for a baby sister. Rayna wasn't positive that wasn't Teddy's prodding, but she let it go. She was more concerned Maddie would be disappointed if she didn't get the sister she wanted. What really gave her pause was the idea of telling Deacon.

 _I didn't know what to expect when I told Deacon about the baby. I'm not sure what I was hoping would happen. Did I think he'd get mad? Or sad? Did I think he'd turn away? I guess what I wanted to happen, or what I needed to happen, was for him to just accept it, be happy for me, not be hurt. And I guess that's what I got._

 _When I told him he congratulated me. He smiled and he hugged me. He told me he was sure Maddie would be excited to be a big sister. He asked me what it meant for the tour and for the future. I tried to look in his eyes, to see if there was some disappointment, or a feeling that…I don't know. That hope was gone, or something._

 _I think I was the one who was disappointed, that it didn't seem like it was that disappointing for him. But maybe he'd been prepared. I guess he might have expected it would happen someday. I just know that when he left, I felt let down, somehow. Like maybe he should have been angry or hurt, like he might have been carrying a torch for me, or something, and he'd realize that was truly over now._

 _But I think it was just me that felt that way. Not that I was carrying a torch, but it did sort of feel like the end. If I had ever thought maybe, one day, there could be something for us, this put an end to that. It meant I was moving on, making a real life with Teddy. Which was what I wanted. I told myself that was what I wanted. And it is. I_ _do_ _want that._

 _But I guess somewhere, buried deep, I hadn't quite put the other to rest. Not completely. If anyone were to ask me if it's possible to love two men, I would have to tell them yes, it is. But in the end, you put your trust in one. You consider the future and you take the hand of the one who can give you the future you need, not just for yourself, but for your family. And you put one aside. For good._

 _ **~nashville~**_

It _was_ possible to love two men. She had loved two men the entire time she was married. She could acknowledge that now. She hadn't completely let go of Deacon, even though she had told herself she had. But she had told Teddy the truth when she'd said that Daphne had not been born into a shell of a marriage. It was a real marriage, a committed marriage, and she had given it one hundred percent. Teddy had been the man she had chosen and, although her feelings for Deacon were never completely buried, she had been satisfied with her choice. It had been the right choice, for most of their marriage.

But now she had to think about what that choice had done to her daughter, and to her daughter's father. She thought about that night at the CMA's, when Deacon had confronted her. The pain in his eyes, the hurt on his face. She had destroyed him. He'd figured it out, though. He'd worked through it. He bounced back. She bit her lip.

She wasn't at all sure what she'd thought was going to happen, back when she'd decided to marry Teddy. As hard as it had been, it had also seemed fairly simple. When Deacon never questioned her about Maddie, she'd felt like it would work. Maddie would have the life she'd always wanted for her, and Deacon, well, Deacon would be none the wiser.

 _I should have known better._


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N – I feel like, at some point along the way, Rayna figured out how to compartmentalize everything with regard to Maddie's paternity. But I believe there were still times when the regret might resurface, even if she was able to manage it most of the time.**_

Rayna walked down the hall to Maddie's bedroom. It was already dark outside, so she stood at the door and flipped on the light switch. She leaned against the door jamb and crossed her arms as she looked around thoughtfully. Maddie's room was starting to look a little more grown-up as she herself was growing up. It hadn't been that long ago, though, that the room was still the frilly, ruffled room of a little girl. It had stayed that way, probably longer than it should, but Rayna had liked the fact that Maddie was still her little girl.

She breathed in. Maddie had started pushing boundaries about the time she became a teenager. Mostly, it was being mouthy and petulant when she didn't get her way. But then she'd found that damn paternity test and everything had changed. The mouthiness had turned to anger and rebellion. She pushed back, on everything. She had posted that song on the internet, the thing that had brought them to this latest crisis. And now that she and Deacon were starting to bond as father and daughter, Rayna could feel her pulling away, even as her own life was spiraling so out of control she couldn't keep her focus on Maddie the way she would have liked.

She pushed off the door and walked into the room. She noticed the album cover for Deacon's EP on Maddie's dresser top. She picked it up and looked at it. Deacon had signed it for her. _To Maddie, You make me smile. Love, Deacon._ Rayna smiled a little, as she looked at it. She flipped it over and looked at the song list, then noticed that the record was on Maddie's turntable. She put the cover down and turned on the turntable, moving the needle to play the album.

As the guitar melody and then Deacon's voice started to fill the room, she walked over to Maddie's bed and got up on it, leaning back against the pillows and stretching out her legs, crossing her ankles. She let the music fill up her mind and her soul and felt the dampness of tears in her eyes. _He's really, really good._

She thought back to the album he'd cut, back in the days when they'd been together. It was a really well done album, but back then nobody saw him as anything other than Rayna Jaymes' bandleader. And the whispers had already started about his drinking and his reliability and all of that had killed his chance. She ran her tongue over her bottom lip, looking down at her hands. He deserved another shot at this and she was glad he was taking it. She sort of wished he wasn't on tour with Luke, but she would never have stood in his way. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, letting the music and the lyrics wash over her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She felt the same sense of overwhelming love she'd felt with Maddie, when the nurse put Daphne in her arms for the first time. She leaned down and pressed her lips gently against Daphne's forehead. When she raised her head, she looked down at Daphne's face and saw her baby's soft blue eyes and the wisps of light reddish-blonde hair and she saw Teddy there. Not that there was any doubt about who Daphne's father was, but Rayna felt glad that she'd agreed to have another baby. As she looked at her new daughter, she would have sworn Daphne was smiling, even though she knew infants really didn't smile. But there was a look of happiness on the tiny face and she smiled joyfully as she snuggled her close.

* * *

Daphne had been a dream baby. Many of her acquaintances had told her it would be like that. _Second babies are always easier. And you're so much more comfortable the second time around._ It was true. Daphne had been easy, easier than Maddie, not as demanding. Teddy was over the moon about her and Maddie was thrilled to be a big sister. Whenever she looked at her family, she knew her life was perfect. Everything was exactly as it was supposed to be.

* * *

 _I'm not taking as much time off this time. We went back to the studio when Daphne was three months old and just after Maddie's birthday in April we'll be back out on the road. The new album feels really good. I wrote a couple songs and Deacon and I actually wrote a couple together. 'Stomping Ground' and 'American Beauty'. We actually wrote 'American Beauty' not long before Daphne was born. It was the first song we'd written together in years, since back when we were still together._

 _Songwriting with Deacon always came so easily and this was not quite the same. Writing a song with Deacon before was really like just pouring our hearts out to each other, putting down on paper everything we were going through and feeling at the time. It was hard to get started this time. But then Deacon said we didn't have to write something personal, just take real life and tweak it._

 _He's such an amazing songwriter. I've always been in awe of the way he can take something and put the most beautiful words to it. When I tried to take myself out of the personal and just make it about telling a story, it seemed to go more smoothly. I know my fans will enjoy having new Deacon and Rayna songs, but I don't know how often I'll be able to do it. Or if he can. It's hard._

 _Songwriting for us was always so intimate. Literally and figuratively. It always came from our souls and writing those words down almost felt like we were writing a prayer. It was always so easy, the words just would come and it almost felt like we could write songs in our sleep. And, of course, back in those days, one thing would lead to another and we almost always ended up in bed. It was hard not to give into all of those feelings we'd just written down on paper._

 _Songwriting together now is definitely not like that._

 _One day I think I'd like to do an album where I write all the songs. Something that would be very personal for me, but I don't know when that would be. Songwriting alone is harder for me than it is for Deacon. I did write a song for the girls, about how I'm their safe place. It wasn't until I had Deacon help me with the music that I realized it was also about how I felt about him, all those years we were together. How I took care of him and how I was his shelter in the storm of his life. When we finished, the air felt so heavy in the room and I could hardly breathe._

 _It made me feel sad, in that moment, as I looked into his eyes. The weight of my secret felt so heavy then. I was reminded then that a secret's worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept. Keeping this secret from Deacon is ever present. I don't think about it every day anymore and I don't worry so much, like I used to, but there are times, like that day, when it feels very overwhelming, because the person from whom this secret must be kept means its power is great. The power to hurt, to destroy, to devastate. And so it is worth keeping safe._

 _ **###################**_

It was the first day back on the road. Rayna always felt an extra surge of energy the first sound check. It always confirmed for her that this was where she belonged – on stage, singing her heart out for her fans. The band had headed for Atlanta the day before and she had pulled out of Nashville that morning. Maddie had come to the arena with her, while Daphne was back at the hotel with the nanny.

She was talking to Bucky when she heard Deacon's footsteps. It was funny how even his walk was so familiar to her. When Maddie shouted out "Deacon!" Bucky nodded and headed off, and she turned, a smile on her face. She watched as Maddie ran to him. He stopped, setting down two guitar cases, and grabbed her under her arms as she ran full tilt towards him, lifting her up off the ground.

"Hey, Maddie," he said, smiling at the little girl. Rayna walked up to them and he turned to her. "Hey, Rayna."

"Hey." She looked down at the second guitar case, which she now noticed was smaller and had a bow on it. "What's this?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, a little late birthday present for the birthday girl." He cut his eyes over to Maddie and winked.

Maddie gasped with pleasure. "For me?" she cried.

He nodded and then set her down, picking up the smaller guitar case. "I thought, now that you're five, you might want your own." He handed it to her and she grabbed the handle.

"Oh, Maddie," Rayna said softly. It was such a poignant gift, for Deacon to be giving her her first guitar. She felt her chest tighten just a bit.

Maddie looked up at Deacon. "Thanks, Uncle Deacon," she said excitedly.

He extended his hand towards the side of the stage. "Wanna look at it?" he asked.

"Yes!" Maddie squealed, and he looked back at Rayna, smiling. She could feel her breath catch in her throat, but she smiled back. Then she followed them so she could watch Maddie open the case.

* * *

 _Deacon bought Maddie a guitar for her birthday. Actually, a ukulele, but she doesn't know the difference. She was thrilled, of course, and I could see that Deacon was happy it was so well received. I couldn't help but think it might've been the kind of gift we would have given her._

 _I decided, back before Daphne was born, that I had to stop thinking about the what if's. It's obvious Deacon doesn't remember that night at the cabin and so it's unlikely he'll ever figure out Maddie is his. I know, of course, and Teddy knows and we've figured out how to live our lives with that knowledge. Teddy is an amazing father and Maddie adores him. I truly believe he really never gives much thought about the fact they don't share DNA. She's as much his as Daphne._

 _Teddy will not be happy about the ukulele, but we'll survive it. It is one of the things that I know will always tie her to Deacon – the music. It's in her blood and I believe she could no more deny it than Deacon and I can. It's who we are and we gave that to her._

 _I'm grateful that Deacon is doing so well. It means he has the chance to get to know Maddie and be part of her life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him the truth. I know I should but I can't figure out how I would do that without destroying us all._

 _So I don't. As each day goes by, the truth of that is more and more clear. As each day goes by, Maddie is more and more Teddy's daughter. And when I really think about that and wonder if it's fair, I have to remember that my main job is to take care of my girls and give them the best life I can. And I do believe this is the best life I can give Maddie._

 _ **###################**_

 _Maddie started kindergarten today. I made sure we could be home in Nashville so I could be here for this. She's been so excited for this, been talking about it all summer long. She told Deacon about it one day and he listened so intently to her as she talked about what she would wear and about learning to read and playing with the other children. Her face just glowed with her excitement and his eyes were sparkling as he listened to her. I could feel a pit in my stomach as I watched them. They have such a special relationship and I'm so grateful for that._

 _I was really afraid she wouldn't sleep last night, but I was the one who was walking the halls all night. Every time I checked in on her, she was sleeping soundly. At one point, I sat on the edge of her bed and just watched her. I found myself wishing I could share this with Deacon, our daughter's first day of school, but then I remembered that he'd been able to hear her excitement and her hopes and dreams and maybe that's enough._

 _When she got up this morning, she got dressed and then was almost too excited to eat. Sometimes she can be very shy and reserved and I was afraid she would be nervous, but she wasn't. She was so eager to get going. Teddy and I drove her to school and I think we were both just holding our breath that, at the last minute, she wouldn't turn around and cry and not want to go. But she was so brave. We got to walk her to her classroom and she kissed and hugged us both and then walked into the room, without a look back._

 _Luckily Teddy had a handkerchief, because I couldn't stop crying. I could see tears in his eyes too, but I felt such a hole in my heart. As Teddy and I walked out, he held my hand, and I couldn't help but wish it had been Deacon and me walking out together. Sending our girl off to start her life, together._

 _ **###################**_

Rayna started working on her next album after the holidays. Maddie begged to be allowed to tag along. Rayna poured cereal into a bowl and then added milk. As she handed the bowl to Maddie, across the island, she made a face. "You have school, sweetie," she said.

Maddie made a face. "Next Monday we have a teacher work day, so I'm not in school," she whined, rolling her eyes. "You need to read the school calendar, Mom."

Rayna thought about that. Maddie was in first grade and was now only going out with her on tour in the summer. Her daughter had been her constant companion, both on the road and in the studio, until she'd started school the year before, and they both actually missed that. Daphne was still young enough that Rayna wasn't sure what her musical interests, or capabilities, might be, but Maddie had shown a real affinity for singing and performance. Deacon had taught her basic chords on the little ukulele and she had already shown some skill.

It made her a little nervous, though, exposing her too much to the music business. She and Teddy agreed that they wanted the girls to have a more traditional upbringing. They wanted academics to be first and then get them involved in sports and other creative pursuits beyond just music. Although she had no regrets about her own path, she wanted her daughters to have more. The protective instincts still ran strong and deep.

Maddie was still looking at her expectantly though and she gave her daughter a tight smile. "Well, I guess if you're off school that day, yes, you can come with me if you want," she said.

Maddie smiled triumphantly. "Yes, I do want," she said smugly. She spooned some cereal in her mouth and chewed thoughtfully. After she swallowed, she looked back at Rayna. "Do you think Deacon will play guitar with me?"

Rayna breathed in. That was the real reason she wanted to go. The love of the music was starting to attach Maddie more to Deacon and the thought of that was bittersweet. She smiled at her daughter. "I'm sure he will, sweet girl," she said finally. "He would love to do that."

* * *

 _I've gotten used to watching Deacon and Maddie together and, while I'm aware of the undercurrent there, I'm mostly just grateful that he loves her and is so good to her. He's the same with Daphne, of course, but then Daphne's still a baby, really. But he's always had a special connection with Maddie. The music thing sometimes worries me, but it's something they can share and it makes her happy, so it makes me happy._

 _She was so excited to walk in with me and she immediately ran to Deacon. When we're on the road, he's like her best friend and confidante and that's something that's both heartwarming and painful to see. But I focus on the positive. He makes her feel special and for that I'm very grateful._

 _She started wearing glasses this year and she's surprisingly self-conscious about it. For a little girl who, up to this point, had been so sure of herself, it makes me sad to see it. Deacon always tells me how much Maddie reminds him of me, with her confidence and her stubbornness. Of course, I feel like her stubbornness comes from him, but I guess there's a positive side to it, in that I'm determined. I do know that about myself. I don't give up and Maddie is like that. At least until that day we had to get glasses for her._

 _I think she looks adorable in them and so does Teddy. She looks so studious and smart, but she feels like she looks unattractive and dorky. I don't understand a six year old feeling like this, but we just keep telling her how amazing she is and how beautiful. And I appreciate that Deacon tells her the glasses just make her look prettier. He always knew how to charm me and I love that he's doing it for her too._

 _So today she was so happy to spend time with him and, as always, he was so good with her. They sat next to each other and he showed her some more chords and then played a guitar duet with her and she was practically bursting with excitement. I sat and watched them for a bit, just feeling happy to see them together. As she gets older, I know, in my heart, that this is probably all they'll have, and that makes me sad in many ways._

 _It wasn't supposed to be this way, but it is. I do believe that Maddie has the best of two worlds. She has Teddy, and he's so wonderful with her, and she has Deacon, who she looks up to and loves as a cherished friend. I had no idea what our lives would be like, now almost seven years ago, but I feel like things have worked out the way they should have. It could have been a disaster, but it's not, and my daughter is happy and healthy and she has many people in her life who love and adore her and I couldn't ask for more than that._

 _ **###################**_

Rayna watched as her hair stylist worked on Maddie's hair. Maddie was surprisingly calm as Rachel braided sections of her hair and pulled them back, attaching a small spray of baby's breath where they came together. But then she realized it was because Maddie had her glasses off and couldn't see clearly.

"Baby, you look beautiful," she said, smiling at her daughter.

Maddie cut her eyes over and smiled shyly. "Really?" She started to lean forward but Rachel squeezed her shoulder gently. Maddie frowned a little then. "I want to see," she said, a hint of petulance in her voice.

"Two seconds, girl," Rachel chided good-naturedly, ignoring Maddie's pique. She tucked Maddie's hair into a little bun on the nape of her neck, then stepped back. "Okay, you can look now."

Maddie slid forward and snatched her glasses off the vanity and slid them on. She turned her head side to side and bit her lip. Then she looked back at Rayna, who felt tears in her eyes as she looked at her ten year old. "I like it," Maddie said shyly. She turned to look at Rachel. "Thank you."

Rayna reached out and tapped Rachel's arm. "She looks gorgeous. Thank you so much." As Rachel left, Rayna turned back to Maddie. "Now you need to put on your pretty dress and you'll be the belle of the ball."

Maddie sighed. "Except for these glasses," she said, and looked back at her reflection in the mirror and frowned. "I wish I weren't so plain." She dropped her head. "Kids at school call me 'four eyes' and 'double vision'. And 'plain Jane'."

Rayna gasped and stepped towards her, wrapping her arms around her daughter, resting her chin on Maddie's head. "You are not plain. You're beautiful, sweet girl," she said. "Never believe any different. You're beautiful inside and out. Don't ever think otherwise. Your dad and I love you so much and we know how beautiful and amazing you are. Don't let other people tell you how to feel about yourself, okay?"

Maddie looked into her eyes reflected in the mirror and nodded. "Okay." Rayna smiled and hugged her close.

* * *

 _Maddie and Teddy just left for her first father-daughter dance. I know Maddie thinks she's not pretty and it hurts my heart so much. Every time I look at her, I still see this perfect combination of Deacon and me and I know there's no way she isn't lovely._

 _Teddy's been a wonderful father to her, but it's times like these when I still think about what it would be like for her to go through these experiences with Deacon as her father. He wouldn't be as comfortable as Teddy at a dance, although he and I certainly danced together lots of times. But I watch him around her and I can see that he loves her. And she adores him._

 _I feel pulled apart sometimes. I'm keeping them from having this wonder father-daughter experience but they still have a relationship with each other. He's so patient with her when she's trying to play the guitar. And he always talks to her like an adult. Always has. He's just wonderful with her. He would have gotten dressed up tonight and treated her like a princess, I know that._

 _But she's ten and it would blow up her world to know that Teddy's not really her father. He's been wonderful with her too and has been there for all those important moments, like this dance._

 _Sometimes, when I look at Deacon and Maddie, I feel almost overwhelmed by what I've done. I gave Maddie the best father she could have, but Deacon has surprised me by staying sober all these years. I can't help but wonder if things would have been different had I waited. But I can't think that way. I made the best decision I could and I committed to it. And my baby girl grew up in a warm, loving home and she's becoming a beautiful young lady._

 _I did my best for her and she's thriving. I'm not sure I could take that away from her. Not now._

 _ **~nashville~**_

She thought back to a question he'd asked her that afternoon. _You ever sing her to sleep?_ In her mind's eye, she'd seen herself. Yes, she'd sung Maddie to sleep hundreds of times, over the course of her life. When she was a baby, she'd sing her to sleep every night. As she got older, she'd ask for a song and Rayna was happy to oblige. She'd sing Maddie to sleep when she was scared, of thunder or a perceived monster in her closet, and when she just wanted to hear her mother's voice. She thought about all the times Maddie would fall asleep with a smile on her lips, her face smooth and calm.

She looked back down at the journal on her lap. She'd had all those memories with Maddie, all the things he'd talked about, and she'd kept him from them. She could never go back and fix it. They both knew that. She'd never really thought about the hole that left in his life though. The memories he'd never have, the experiences that belonged to someone else, the missed chances to leave his mark on his daughter.

She leaned her head back against the wall and felt tears again. She swiped at them with the heels of her hands, wondering if she'd ever stop crying over it, ever stop feeling that aching pit of regret for what she'd cost him. Maddie's favorite songs were 'Sanctuary' and 'Already Gone', both songs Deacon had a hand in, to varying degrees. _Maybe it shouldn't have been so difficult to have figured it out. Maybe I should have considered that this could have happened._

What might things have looked like, had she made different choices? He was right when he reminded her he'd gotten better, been better for a good long while. But it had been easier to stay with the status quo. Even if the consequences of doing that were always right around the edges of her consciousness, somehow she'd never considered that it would come to this. _If she hadn't found out, Rayna, I still wouldn't know._ She went back to that.

Maddie was thirteen when she found out. A good long time. Deacon had been sober Maddie's whole life. Yes, there were times when she wanted him to know, thought about what it might be like to tell them both, but she always held back. It always seemed to come back to this unwillingness to blow up their lives. And it would have been _all_ their lives. Not just Maddie's, but hers, Deacon's, Teddy's, Daphne's. That's where she got stuck. That and the fact that she hadn't had a crystal ball. She hadn't known this would be the time that took. After she'd pulled the trigger on the choice to deceive, everything that came after felt like it was too late.

She set the journal aside, drawing her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees. _Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive._


	6. Chapter 6

Rayna climbed up on her bed, after changing into a t-shirt and shorts, and sat back against the pillows. It was late and she was tired, but she was pretty sure there would be little rest that night. She ran her fingers through her hair and then pulled it back into a ponytail, sliding the rubber band on her wrist to capture it into a messy bun. She crossed her legs under her and then opened her journal again, spreading the pages out in front of her. She leaned over and closed her eyes for a second.

She had wondered sometimes what would have happened if Teddy had never made the decision to run for mayor. She thought about that again. Their marriage had been running on autopilot for some time prior to that. The money issue had been a hurdle, but they'd survived it. She considered that a lot could have been different had she known the truth about that at the time, but she had put their family first and hadn't probed too much. But his decision to run for mayor had really shaken their foundation. Not that she wanted to place all the blame on Teddy, but it had seemed to shake something loose that first led her to that night at the Bluebird, when she and Deacon had confronted all those feelings they still had for each other, all the way to the night she'd stood on his porch, declaring her love, without thinking about the consequences.

She rolled her shoulders and then sat up straight, stretching her arms over her head. She'd surprised herself when she had ditched her plans with Liam, instead driving over to Deacon's. She had not given herself time to think about what she was doing. She had never considered that he would make sobriety work, never thought she'd ever be faced with that choice again. It had seemed so pointless that night, as she'd stood in the middle of her closet, to walk away from him, when he'd been sober all those years. She closed her eyes, thinking back on how he'd pulled her into his house and then into his bedroom. They hadn't stopped to talk or think or do anything other than just get as close to each other as they could. She remembered that when she'd finally glanced over at the clock it was after three in the morning. She was asleep moments later, until he woke her up with that nonsense about her stealing the covers. She smiled a little in spite of herself, but then she felt a sob in the back of her throat as she remembered the icy chill of reality that lodged in her stomach as she drove home later and she thought about the secret she was keeping.

 _I don't know why I thought I could just not tell him. But I'd promised Teddy…._ Truly, though, she'd never once thought Maddie would uncover the truth. It had been so long ago when she'd buried that paternity test in a box filled with recording contracts and other legal paperwork. Not the kind of thing she would have expected her daughter to rifle through. But Maddie had been angry. She'd been blindsided first by the divorce, then by her discovery of Teddy's affair with Peggy. Then she'd overheard Rayna telling Deacon she loved him. She sighed.

Her own life had been chaotic when she was around Maddie's age. Her mother died in that car accident and her father had been mostly absent from her life. It had been a confusing time and she'd had no one really to talk to about it. Tandy had been there, of course, but she was grieving too. _I should have been the one to tell her, though. And Deacon. I should have known I couldn't hold onto that secret forever._

She breathed out and, looking back down at the journal, started to read again.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna sat on the couch across from Maddie. Daphne was curled up against her side. They were both watching Maddie, as she worked to get the right chord sequence on her guitar. Rayna smiled. It reminded her back when she was Maddie's age and was trying to play the guitar. Her mother had showed her some of the chords, but she wasn't very patient and therefore a young Rayna was left to try to figure it out on her own. She eventually got better at it, but never good enough to play a guitar on stage. She used one sometimes when she wrote, especially when she wrote on her own. She was in awe of Maddie, though. Her daughter clearly had talent, even at the age of ten.

Maddie looked up and smiled. "Okay, I'm ready," she said.

Rayna put her arm around Daphne and smiled back at Maddie. "We can't wait to hear you," she said.

Maddie played the intro and then started to sing. _I take a breath and turn the key / I never guessed this would take all of me / One more look at what I'm leaving behind / This cloud of dust is my goodbye…._

* * *

 _Teddy and I went to see Maddie in her first talent show tonight. I was so proud of her, first of all for getting up on stage and second, because she's good. I know she has talent, and a lot of it, and I've known it for a while. I guess she was born to it. But it scares me a little. Actually it scares me a lot. She's young enough, right now, that I think this is enough for her, but I feel like it won't be long before it's not. And in that way she's so much like me. Which is the part that scares me the most._

 _She sang one of my songs – my very first number one, Already Gone, and she sounded beautiful. She's still young, so her voice still has a childish tone to it, but I can already hear that she has a beautiful voice. I sat back and just watched her. She wore her favorite boots, along with a denim skirt and a pretty gingham blouse. She told me she wanted to look like I did on stage, so we did our best. She wore her hair in pigtails and she used the junior guitar Teddy and I had given to her on her last birthday, replacing the ukulele Deacon gave her when she was five._

 _As I watched her and listened to her, I couldn't help but think she'd gotten her talent from Deacon and me. Probably more Deacon than me, since she really was more skilled than me on the guitar. And that made me wish he could have been here to see her. I knew she would tell him all about it the next time she saw him, but, of course, it wasn't the same as seeing her on stage._

 _I found myself thinking how much of him was in her, even though they weren't together all the time. She has an intensity about her that's like him, especially when she's really working hard at something. She's got his talent, of course. She's sensitive and she sometimes has this tendency to draw into herself. I see his impulsiveness in her sometimes and that worries me. He would do things without thinking about the consequences and it often got him in trouble, especially when he was drinking. I didn't like to think about that potentially being her burden to bear at some point in the future._

 _I just want her to be happy and feel loved and safe. Just like what I want for Daphne. I want both my girls to have all their options available to them and to feel supported as they explore. I don't want them to go through what I did. But as I looked back at Maddie, up on that stage, singing her heart out and looking so natural up there, I knew she would probably test me. She would want what I had wanted, to explore her talent and to share it. I just hoped I'd be able to guide her wisely._

 _I've always told myself she is the best of both Deacon and me and I believe that. I just want to nurture that in her and make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes we did._

 _Our girl is amazing, Deacon. I know you love her. I imagine you would love her even more, if you knew. But I'm doing my best, to be sure she has a good life and all the things we would have given her. Thank you for giving her to me._

 _ **###################**_

 _She wants to wear makeup! My little girl wants to wear makeup! She's only twelve. She's too young._

 _I mean, I get it. She's starting to notice boys and she wants to look pretty. I guess I sort of hate it. I feel like she's too young for that. I just don't want her to grow up so fast. There's enough time for all the hard things in life, like people who hurt your feelings and boys who break your heart. I know she feels awkward right now and she thinks makeup will fix everything. It won't though. Boys will still break her heart. And she's such a sensitive girl already – I just don't want her to get hurt._

 _Teddy's so sweet about it. He always says he doesn't want her dating until she's thirty. Which is probably not going to happen. But he's that overprotective father who doesn't think any boy is good enough for her and doesn't want her to get hurt either._

 _I guess when I was twelve, boys were the last thing on my mind. Mom had died and I was just all caught up in my sadness over that. I remember feeling a lot like Maddie – awkward and out of place. I was so sad then and nobody wanted to be around that. Besides, everyone made fun of me for liking country music, so boys weren't interested in hanging out with the class weirdo. The difference for me, I think, was that I didn't care so much. I got really focused on music then. Which she is too._

 _But I don't want her to miss out on anything. I want her to have fun and do lots of things. Sports or school clubs, in addition to music. But this boys thing just really throws me. I'm just not ready for that, I don't think. I don't want her to grow up too fast._

 _She and Daphne were out on the bus with me during their spring break and I guess she talked to Deacon about it. He told me Maddie asked him for advice on talking to boys. I know he's her Uncle Deacon and all and she thinks of him differently than she does Teddy. She would never ask Teddy that. I asked him what he told her and he said he told her she didn't need to worry about that yet and that she was too good for any boy right now. I laughed, but it really warmed my heart to hear that. He told me he knew it wasn't up to him, but he hoped she waited, that boys could be cruel at that age._

 _I can't help thinking he'd make a good father. I also can't help wishing it didn't have to be this way._

 _ **###################**_

When she got the text from Deacon, she felt a sense of panic. _Maddie's at Vanderbilt ER. Bump on the head. She's okay but a little scared._ She bolted from the room, running out on Scarlett's performance, and raced for her car. She called Teddy and had to leave him a message to meet her at the hospital. Then she called Deacon and got the details. Her heart was in her throat all the way to the hospital and she finally felt a sense of relief when she saw her daughter. And then anger at Teddy for not having had control of the situation.

* * *

Deacon approached them as they watched the nurse take Maddie to get a CT scan. Teddy excused himself to make a call and she looked at Deacon, feeling exasperated. "He didn't even know where she was," she said, feeling a little emotional.

"I think you slipped out once or twice at her age," he responded. She knew he was trying to make her feel better and she appreciated it.

She laughed softly. "Yeah."

"As long as she's okay, right?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. Thank you. I'm really grateful."

He frowned. "Hey, come on, she's like family." That hit her like a jolt and she turned away for a second. He turned to leave, then looked back. "Let me know how she's doing, okay?"

* * *

 _Maddie got hurt today. Thankfully not badly, just a bump on her head. Not even a concussion. But I'm feeling so many things about that. First, that Teddy has the girls this week and he had no idea she had gone to that pop up show. Maybe he's right and he can't know everything, but it's what I hate most about this shared custody thing. It's his week to have them and I have no control over what's happening. Thank God for Deacon texting me._

 _Deacon. Thank God he was there. I'm angry at Juliette Barnes for doing something so irresponsible, but at least Deacon was there and he took care of Maddie. Not that I would have expected otherwise. The two of them have a sweet relationship and he would have moved heaven and earth to help her, I know that._

 _When he said that about her being like family, it really punched me in the gut. I know why he said it. I've always said he was family. I still feel that way. He was all I had for so many years. He was the one I could rely on, at least when he was sober, but truthfully, even sometimes when he wasn't. He always had my back and now he has my baby's back._ _Our_ _baby's back. Except he doesn't know that. This happening made me think about that all over again._

 _I'm so thankful it wasn't worse. And I have to admit there was a moment when I considered what could've happened if it was. What if she needed a blood transfusion, or something? What if something more serious happened to her one day? Is that how this would come to light? I had never really given that a lot of thought, but having her in the hospital, with him, took my anxiety level to the max._

 _I really don't want to hurt either one of them. Things as they are have worked. They're both in such good places and I wouldn't want to blow up either of their lives. So after it was over and I knew Maddie was okay, I just said a little prayer of thanks, that we got through it and that it all ended well._

 _He got her a stuffed animal. She's a little old for that, but he wouldn't know. But it broke my heart a little when he handed it to me._

 _ **###################**_

After the conversation with Tandy – the one where her sister had compared her to their father – she decided maybe she was being overly heavy-handed with the girls, Maddie in particular. It had made her go back and think about how Lamar had belittled her interest in music and practically forbade her to pursue it. Watty had given her the courage to try, he and Deacon together, which had, of course, ended with her being kicked out of the house.

She didn't want that to happen to Maddie. She didn't sense that rebellious streak in Daphne, at least not so far, but as Maddie got older she saw that perfect combination of Deacon and herself, more and more often. The love of music, the single-minded focus on it, the willingness to risk it all for the song and the stage.

 _I guess I should think about what Tandy said. She really does want to be like me._ There was really nothing wrong with that. She wanted both her girls to finish school and go to college though, something she had not done. She wanted them to have options, all the things time and wisdom would give them. It was something she and Teddy had talked about often. They had been on the same page. But they weren't together anymore. _Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to groom Maddie. Slowly, of course._

* * *

The looks on the girls' faces were priceless. She'd had tears in her eyes as she watched them up on stage. Bucky had set it up perfectly and she felt her heart swell with pride as she saw their joy. As her band joined in, she could tell they both had caught the fever.

She was surprised Deacon was there. They had already finished their sound check and she thought Juliette would have been furious to know he'd hung back. She felt a little chill run down her spine as she saw how his face lit up, watching the girls. _If only he knew._

* * *

 _I let the girls do sound check that second night in New York. They were so excited – and so good! – and it made me happy to watch them. I know I want to protect them from everything that's bad in the world but I guess I can't really do that. And if this gives them some joy, I should let them have it._

 _I was so proud of them. Their voices are so beautiful, which I already knew, and they harmonize so well. If they're determined to perform, I hope they'll always do it together._

 _Deacon came out and watched them. I thought about the fact that this was the first time he was watching his daughter perform on the stage. I feel like maybe we've really gone long past the time when it would have made sense to tell him about her. I don't even know how I would have that conversation now or how I would make him understand. He's been sober as long as she's been alive, which takes my breath away when I think about it._

 _So many years have gone by. He's so much stronger now, I can see it and feel it. He's finally moving on with his life, in a real relationship, and I'm happy for him. I'm so glad he's finally found his footing and that he's happy. That's all I ever wanted. I know there have been many times when I thought it would be us together and even sometimes during the last few years, I've considered it. But I'm not sure I could do it without telling him about Maddie. Or wanting to. And I'm really afraid it might destroy us if I did._

 _He loves both my girls and they love him, but he has a special relationship with Maddie. Always has. His eyes always light up when he sees her. Some of the best memories I have are of him sitting next to her, putting her little fingers on the guitar strings, his head leaned towards hers. My heart would skip a beat as I watched them together. Even now, she's drawn to him, whenever she and Daphne come out on the road. She doesn't see him as often now, especially since he's in Juliette's band, but he still gives her a big hug and she always asks him to listen to her play._

 _I think about it sometimes. How she's growing up, just now a teenager. I think he would have been good with her, but we'll never know now. I wonder sometimes about what I've done. What Teddy and I have done. Teddy's been a good father, but I can't help but think about the fact that the decision I made so long ago means Deacon and Maddie don't know how they're connected to each other. But at least he's in her life. At least he's watched her grow up and he has this wonderful relationship with her._

 _There's no way to know how life would have turned out. I can look at him today and tell myself maybe I made a mistake, all those years ago. Maybe he was right and I should have waited,_ _could_ _have waited. But putting him in a situation where he had a family and he was trying to manage sobriety at the same time – who knows? He may have failed again. We could have lost him forever. There's just no way to know. So here we are. Maddie's had a wonderful life. Deacon is sober and strong. It has to be enough._

 _ **~nashville~**_

She sat back against the pillows. She had mostly shielded the girls from her life before she married Teddy. Her personal life. She had never told them about her relationship with Deacon before that – it had never really come up – but with the advent of social media, it hadn't been a stretch that Maddie had found out something about it. She hadn't wanted to tell her about what their lives had been like then, how difficult it all was. She also hadn't considered that Maddie wouldn't take being told she wasn't grown up enough to hear it all very well.

She rubbed her temples. All this introspection and reliving the past was giving her a headache. She was ridiculously tired. A glance at the clock told her she likely wasn't going to get any sleep before daybreak. She sighed. She'd spent thirteen years balancing everything, holding everything and everyone together. She had walked a tightrope of lies, convincing herself she'd done it for the right reasons, too afraid to think about what might happen if that web came unraveled. And that had been her undoing, in the end. The fact that she had let others strong arm her into staying silent, that she had convinced herself it was the right thing to do, that she lied to herself by thinking it would never come to light.

The aftermath of Maddie and Deacon finding out had been all of her worst fears come true. And yet, it had also given birth to something incredibly beautiful. After the initial period where Maddie stubbornly refused to work through the truth and Deacon was terrified to walk into it, the two of them had carefully started to build that new relationship. And, if she was really honest with herself, it was everything she could have hoped for. Yes, she did still worry that Deacon could disappoint Maddie or that Maddie would revert back to being sullen and angry, but she worried less. Deacon had snapped back from disaster and Maddie had embraced the new normal.

She rolled her eyes then. Of course, Maddie was still stubborn and she would still willfully push the parameters, like she had with the video. And even though she'd been angry with her daughter, she kind of understood. Maddie had a lot to work through and she probably hadn't helped her as much with it as she should have. She had been more distracted by her label and her father's death and Luke. She'd left a lot of the sorting out to Deacon and to Teddy, which, in hindsight, was probably unwise.

She'd been complacent, she had to admit to herself. As the months and years rolled on, she'd been complacent. There were certainly times when she almost forgot, let herself believe the story she and Teddy had told all those years ago. It was easier. It had protected their family. It had protected her daughter. Now she couldn't protect her anymore. She wiped away a stray tear. Maybe Maddie didn't need protecting anymore. And maybe she needed to stop blaming Deacon for it being this way.

 _ **I'll be wrapping this up with one more chapter. Hope to get that posted next week. Thanks for reading!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: As I end this story, I'm going to give it a little AU twist. Hope you like it.**_

 _So was it worth it? That's a hard question to answer. When I think about the life I gave Maddie, I still believe she had a good one, with parents who loved her and all the normal experiences a child should have. She didn't have the uncertainty of the life she could have had. Without the ability to see the future, I gave her the best life I could. And I believe that was worthwhile._

 _But when I consider what happened when the secret was brought to light, well, I'm not as sure. Was it worth being in a coma for two weeks? Was it worth a man losing the sobriety he'd worked so hard for? Was it worth the pain and confusion of a young girl who questioned everything she'd ever known? If I'm honest, I wouldn't have wanted any of that. For any of us. I don't know if the good outweighed the pain and hurt._

 _But I do know I can do something about it now. It may not fix everything, but it can be a start._

 _ **~nashville~**_

It had been a strange day. A strange several days. Even though she and Luke were doing the concert for the troops at Ft. Campbell, things had continued to be strained between them. He still seemed to be having trouble getting past the news that Deacon was Maddie's father and the smile he put on his face just covered up the barbs and petty arguments he seemed to pick with her in private. She was still struggling with the aftermath of the GMA appearance and reading her journal. She'd gone back to it several times, re-reading certain sections. She'd held Luke at arms' length and that wasn't making him any happier.

She hoped maybe the concert would settle things down, but it hadn't really felt like it. She was starting to question where she even wanted things to go with him. What had seemed like the perfect blend of normal and someone who would truly understand her just didn't seem quite that way in the new light of day. Someone had described Luke, in the very early days of their relationship, as Deacon without the baggage. She had given her performance smile when she heard it, but it had grated at her a little. Now, as she thought about it again, it grated at her a lot.

She was standing on the side of the stage, watching Luke do a duet with Juliette, one he'd balked at doing initially, but at least he'd relented. Now he looked like he was enjoying himself. She breathed in, but it didn't settle her vague sense of unease.

"Hey." She turned to see Deacon standing next to her.

She smiled a little. "Hey." She looked back at the stage for a moment, then at him again. "Hope everything went well with Maddie." It had been Teddy's week to have the girls, but Maddie had stubbornly pushed back, asking if she could spend some time with Deacon. Teddy hadn't been happy about it, but Rayna was glad he hadn't told her no. The truth was, Deacon was Maddie's father too and they both wanted time together. From her perspective, she and Teddy had no right to say no.

He smirked. "It was fun," he said, pausing for a moment. "She asks a lotta questions though, doesn't she?"

She looked back at him and smiled. "Uh oh."

He shrugged a little. "Kinda kicked up a lot of stuff with me. I'd love to air it out, if that's okay."

She wondered what that meant, especially in light of everything she'd kicked up for herself. She nodded. "We can do that, at some point," she said, being intentionally vague.

He kept his gaze steady. "I think right now's the time." She breathed in and looked away. He kept talking, leaning towards her, his voice low enough for just her to hear. "I told you I was never gonna forgive you for not telling me about her fourteen years ago and…I'm not." She swallowed and looked down at her feet. "Because that would mean you done something wrong. You didn't." She turned to look at him. Her heart was pounding. "You were just protecting our little girl. I finally get that. All I ever did was give you hell for it and I'm sorry." He breathed in. "I'm grateful."

As she listened, she felt a shift inside her. She shook her head. "Don't," she said.

He raised his eyebrows. "Don't forgive you?"

She felt a resolve inside that she hadn't felt until that very moment. "Don't let me off the hook." The weight of everything that had happened over that last year, and even back as far as when Maddie was born, felt like it was slipping off her shoulders. "I hurt you, Deacon. I did. I did the worst thing someone could do to someone they love." She could see tears glistening in his eyes and she felt them in her own. "You can forgive me, but don't let me off the hook."

He looked surprised, but he shook his head. "We can get past it, Ray…."

"But not yet, Deacon," she said softly. "See, this is the thing with us. You feel like you've screwed up and _you_ have to be the one making up for stuff, but not this time. Not entirely anyway. You were right. You got sober. And I could have told you when it obvious you were gonna do it. But I didn't."

He breathed in. "Why didn't you, Ray?" he asked, but this time his voice was gentle.

"You know. I was scared. I was always afraid if I told you, you'd go get drunk."

"And I did."

She gave him a gentle smile. "But not because I told you. Because I _didn't_. That's on me. And the other reason was that I'd promised Teddy and he was my husband, regardless of what you think of him, or any of that." She waved her hand in the air. "So it was bigger than just you and me. I had to consider him. And Daphne." She couldn't quite read what was on his face, but she knew her words had gotten to him. She could hear Luke and Juliette winding up the song and she touched Deacon's arm gently. He looked at her. "We need to talk some more and I need to share some things with you. Can I come by tomorrow?"

He looked at her for a long moment and then nodded.

* * *

The next morning she sat in her car in front of his house for a long time before she got the courage to get out and walk up the steps. She had slid her journal into her purse before she'd left the house. She still wasn't positive exactly what she wanted to do with it, but she was sure it would be clear to her when she saw him. She stood at the door for a moment, then reached out and knocked.

"Hey," he said, when he opened the door and saw her there.

She smiled a little hesitantly. "Hey. Can I come in?"

He nodded and stepped back so she could enter. She walked in and he closed the door behind her. When she turned back around to face him he raised his eyebrows. "You wanna sit down?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I'm not gonna stay. I just, well, I just felt like we needed to talk. Or really that _I_ needed to talk, to say some things to you." She took a deep breath and felt a quiet resolve wash over her. "I wish I hadn't said that to you. About my resentment being more than yours. That wasn't fair."

He shrugged. "I get it, Rayna. I know how I was then."

She shook her head. "I meant it when I said don't let me off the hook. We both had a part in how we ended up here."

"It ain't like we can change nothing, Ray," he said.

She breathed in and nodded. "I know. But there were so many times when I wanted to tell you about her," she said. She raised her eyebrows. "It wasn't as easy as you maybe think it was."

He shook his head. "It's okay, Rayna."

She reached into her purse and pulled out the journal, holding it out to him. "I wrote down every time I thought about it. I want you to read this. There's more than just that in here, but I just want you to read it."

He took a step back, holding up his hand. "You don't need to do this," he said.

"I want to," she said. "I want you to know. I _need_ you to know." She took a step closer to him. "Please." He took a deep breath and then he finally took the journal from her. "Call me after you've read it. We'll talk some more then." For a half second she wanted to snatch the journal back from him, keep all that pain and hurt for herself. But she knew it was important for them to have no more secrets. She'd made mistakes too and she needed him to see those. She gave him a tiny smile, then turned and walked out of his house.

* * *

Her hands were shaking as she pushed the key into the ignition and she could feel herself shivering, not from the chill in the air, but from the release she felt after laying everything out there for Deacon to see. It scared her – terrified her, actually – to let him see what was inside all those years. He'd always known her so well, and yet he'd never figured that out, never even considered it, as far as she knew. She had put up walls that were solid, keeping all her feelings inside and masking them when she was around him. She had kept him in that box, even though there had been times when she would have liked to have not. What had started on the stage of the Bluebird, when they'd sang 'No One Will Ever Love You', had led to this. And she had no idea how he would respond.

She was a little startled to find herself outside Tandy's townhouse, but she got out of the car and jogged up the steps. Her sister looked surprised to see her when she opened the door, but she smiled. "Hey, sweetheart," she said. "What brings you by?"

Rayna took a deep, shaky breath and tried to smile. "You got a minute to talk?" she asked.

Tandy narrowed her eyes slightly and gave her sister a sly smile. "Of course," she said. "But you look like maybe you need a little more than a minute."

Rayna nodded and gave her a weary smile. "Yeah, I think maybe you're right about that."

Tandy stepped back to let Rayna enter. As she closed the door, she said, "I think it's too early for wine, but I've got coffee."

* * *

When they were settled on the love seat in Tandy's den, Tandy reached over and patted her sister's knee. "So what's up?" she asked.

Rayna took a sip of coffee, holding the mug in both hands, then sighed. "I gave Deacon my journal," she said.

Tandy frowned. "I don't understand."

"I've kept journals for years. Mostly with song ideas and lyrics, but also just about life. I mean, I can pull a lot of songs from just real life sometimes." She set her mug down on the coffee table and clenched her hands together in her lap. "I kept a journal about Maddie. All those special times in her life, all the firsts. How I was feeling, what my hopes and dreams were for her." She shrugged. "And all the times I thought about him. About Deacon and what he was missing."

"Oh, sweetie…."

Rayna looked at Tandy. "I just gave him that journal. I wanted him to read what I'd written."

Tandy sat back, looking surprised. "But why?"

"Well, you know, because he missed all that. I mean, he says he forgives me for not telling him but how could he possibly?"

Tandy looked thoughtful. "I thought you said he told you he understood he was a mess back then."

Rayna nodded. "He did. But that was just about where things were when I found out I was pregnant. But it's not _ever_ telling him. It's letting him know her without knowing she was his daughter. When I think about that, Tandy, well, I'm just so ashamed. He has every right to call me out, to tell the world what a horrible thing I did."

Tandy frowned. "He could have said something on the GMA interview. But he didn't. You don't think he will now, do you?"

Rayna shook her head. "I don't. But not for my sake. For Maddie's. All this was done to her and she doesn't deserve to have people weigh in on her life. As hurt as he was, I think he feels the same about that. And, you know, that's what I've always wanted to protect her from." She sighed. "I really think he would have loved her and done his best to be a good father, you know? I see that now. Maybe we could have done it the way he made it sound and he could have had a place in her life."

Tandy reached over and put her hand on Rayna's. "Sweetie, it's all water under the bridge now. You just have to move forward from here."

"I know I can't change it. I can't fix it or make it up to him. I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life, you know? That I took this away from him."

Tandy nodded. "I do know. And I think you're struggling with that now."

"Maybe. A little." She swallowed hard and fought tears. "A lot."

Tandy squeezed Rayna's hand. "He's back in your life now. You knew that would happen once he and Maddie started to connect. Has it changed how you feel? About him?"

Rayna sat back a little. "Oh, you know. I'm not as angry as I was. I guess I'm really not angry at all actually. We've started to work through all the complicated stuff of being parents together. And what it's like to be in each other's lives now."

"What about Luke?"

Rayna rolled her eyes and smiled sadly. "Oh, I don't know. It seemed like it was such an adjustment for him. Still does. I think it bothers him I didn't tell him before and it bothers him that it's Deacon, and what that could mean."

Tandy sighed. "But you're over Deacon. Right?"

Rayna looked down and rolled her shoulders. "Oh, you know, it's complicated, Tandy. We've always just been so entangled, even when we weren't together. Even when I tried to push him out of my life. It's just so very complicated." She looked at her sister. "I feel unsettled, or something."

Tandy hesitated, then said, "Are you still in love with Deacon?"

Rayna pulled her knees up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. "It's all so complicated," she said again, not knowing what else to say. She thought she'd put it behind her, but time had seemed to soften all those hard edges. She had never felt the way she had with Deacon with any other man. She'd kept him close all those years, because she couldn't break the chain. And even in the aftermath of the accident, when she'd thought she was well and truly done with him, somehow they had stayed in each other's orbit.

Standing on the stage at Ft. Campbell, the day before, singing 'A Life That's Good' with Maddie, Daphne and Deacon, had felt surreal. It had not been what she'd intended. She was supposed to just sing with the girls, but Maddie had asked if Deacon could join them and she had no good reason to say no. He'd written the song after all. She could see Luke, on the side stage, trying to appear cool, but fuming inside. She had a knot in her stomach, but by the time they had finished and they stood there together, Deacon's arm around her, she couldn't deny the curl of warmth that had risen up inside her. He'd written the song for her, back at a time when all they had was each other, and it had a million sub-texts to it, even now. It had left her feeling confused and it had sent Luke into a snit. One thing she did know was that she needed to figure it out.

 _Am I still in love with him?_

* * *

As she sat on the stone picnic table, her hands clenched between her knees, Rayna tilted her head back and closed her eyes, catching the sun on her face. This was the same place where she and Deacon used to come to talk, during those years she was married to Teddy. It was a safe place, hidden from prying eyes, where they could lean on each other for support and build a friendship. She had known his feelings for her hadn't changed, even though he'd respected her marriage and her boundaries.

They had never been just friends. From the moment they'd both laid eyes on each other, it had never been that. But she had known him in a way that was completely different from the way she'd known anyone else in her life. The intimacy they had went far beyond what they experienced in the bedroom and in those dark places where they hid from the rest of the world. She had used the word entangled to describe their relationship and it was true. She could no more toss him aside than she could stop breathing, although there had certainly been times when she had tried.

She opened her eyes and looked out over the fast moving creek. There were most certainly rivers and bridges that kept them apart, but somehow they'd never lost each other completely.

She let herself think about what kind of father Deacon might have been. Teddy had always seemed to be the perfect father. He was attentive and loving and heroic, all the things a daughter would want her father to be. He was always present and available, reading a story at night or fixing breakfast in the morning. He was stern when he needed to be. Discipline was fair and even-handed, as was Teddy himself. Deacon was filled with emotions, sometimes dark emotions, other times passionate. Deacon loved completely and gave all of himself, but when he was angry or frustrated, his emotions could be volatile.

She had watched him with Maddie though, through all the years of her life, and he had been kind and caring and patient with her. He made her laugh and laughed with her, hugged her easily, and always took time to talk to her. He wore his heart on his sleeve and she knew that wasn't always a bad thing. He would have been fiercely protective and fiercely loving.

She breathed in deeply. Deacon would have been a good father. He was a good father now. She considered that she could have tempered him, perhaps. She remembered what Tandy had said, that addiction didn't just stop overnight, but Rayna was certain, in that moment, that Deacon would have done whatever it took to have been a good and present father for their daughter.

She lowered her head, feeling the tears streak down her cheeks, and regretted the decisions she'd made that had kept him away.

* * *

She felt anxious, not hearing from him. He'd had the journal for almost a week and she hadn't heard a word. She wasn't sure if she should be worried or not. Was he angry? Was it the wrong thing to do? Did it just stir up more bitterness for him? Had he changed his mind about what he'd said at the concert? She had picked up the phone more than once, thinking she would call him just to check in, but then she'd put it down. Every time her phone rang, she practically jumped at it. But it was never him.

Then, finally, it was. When she saw his name on her screen, it felt like her heart stopped for a minute. She took a deep breath and answered. "Hey," she said, knowing she sounded a little breathless, and putting a big smile on her face.

"Hey." She found herself listening for any indication of what he was thinking, how he was feeling. She could hear him breathing on the other end. "So," he said, finally. "Why don't you come by?" She didn't hear any agitation in his voice. Or anger. Or bitterness. But she wasn't sure _what_ she heard. Measured, even, unemotional. But she had no idea if that was good or bad.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I'll be right there."

* * *

Her heart felt like it was pounding out of her chest as she drove over to East Nashville. It had been a risk to let him read what she'd written. She knew it could have reversed all the goodwill he'd shown her that day at Ft. Campbell. Instead of keeping all of that shrouded in mystery, now it would be out in the open and she couldn't hide from it. She couldn't take it back.

As she drove, she thought about how they'd gotten to where they were now. It had all started, of course, when she'd found out she was pregnant, but she had learned how to live with it over the years. But it had all really come to a head when she'd made that fateful decision to make this same drive instead of packing to go to St. Lucia.

Tandy had tried to minimize the significance – _it's a fling_. Except, of course, it wasn't, because it never could be with him. Then Teddy had reminded her of her promise – _honor the agreement we made the day our daughter was born_. He'd warned her that there was no way she could be in a relationship with Deacon without the truth coming out. Of course, neither of them had envisioned how that would manifest itself.

She had struggled with all the voices in her head, including her own, reminding her, warning her of the danger. But it was Deacon. And she'd really never been able to completely break away from him. She still couldn't. What had drawn them together back when she was sixteen and he was nineteen had never completely been broken apart. They knew each other so intimately and she had known she was on shaky ground. Tandy reminded her – _you're going to do what you've done for years, you're not going to say anything._

And she hadn't. Even Deacon's impassioned speech – _you can tell me everything or you can tell me nothing at all_ – hadn't broken her. She'd held tight, not knowing how to even start that conversation, holding onto the hope that she could, in fact, not say a word.

When she pulled up on the street, just down from his house, she looked out the window and up towards the unassuming bungalow. There were a lot of ghosts in that place, a lot of memories, both good and bad, inside those walls. Her past still haunted that place and now, maybe, her future did too. She took a deep breath and opened the car door.

* * *

She plastered a performance smile on her face as he opened the door. "Hey," she said.

He gave her an odd look, but smiled back. "Hey." He stood back as she walked in and then closed the door behind her. The first thing she saw was her journal, laying on the coffee table. Her heart started beating hard again. She turned back to look at him. "Let's sit," he said. She walked over and sat on the edge of the couch. He sat down at the other end and then leaned forward, picking up the journal. She felt nauseous. He looked over at her. "Thanks for letting me read this. I learned a lot."

She twisted her hands together. "I just hoped, you know, it would give you an idea…." Her voice trailed off as she ran out of words.

He nodded. "It did. I read it all the way through twice." He breathed in and she could see sadness in his eyes. "I thought a lot about everything you were feeling. All that pain." He closed his eyes for a moment. "I never meant to cause you that pain. If I could do it all over…."

She nodded. "I know." She paused. "I'm sorry, Deacon. I really am. I know I made some decisions that really hurt you. And Maddie. I thought it was best for her…."

He reached over and squeezed her arm. "It was, Rayna. I mean, I don't know if I coulda done it then. Be a dad, try to make sober work. And we're working it out now, me and Maddie."

"But all those things you missed out on…."

He nodded. "I know, but it's like you said. We can't go back and change anything." He sighed. "I was really mad, for a while. It hurt, that you didn't trust me, that you kept it from me. I thought I wouldn't never get past it. But I did." He held up the journal. "This don't change that." He breathed out. "It was good to know how you felt."

She felt tears roll down her cheeks and she reached up to brush them away. "I know it's not enough."

"Hey," he said, and she looked at him. "You done a good job raising her. She's a great kid. I'm proud she's my daughter. _Our_ daughter. And you're right, I did get to know her, see her grow up." He smiled a little. "Thank you for that."

She pushed up from the couch and walked over to the fireplace, wrapping her arms around herself. She was always so conscious, every time she was there, of their history in this place. It had been a place filled with great love, but also great pain. It had been a home, for both of them, for many years. All the history in this space, in those walls, always came to bear when she walked in. She felt a little like she didn't deserve his graciousness, but then they had hurt each other, in many painful ways, and this was another one of those. Somehow, they always found their way back. It had always been their way.

"You okay?" Deacon's voice, coming from right behind her, brought her back to the present.

She turned to face him and gave him a tiny smile. "Yeah." She breathed in deeply, then was taken by surprise by his next question.

"You happy, Ray?"

She raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged, his hands in his pockets. "You just seemed, I don't know, distracted at the show. Still do. There ain't no joy in your eyes." He breathed in. "Maddie said you seemed tense. Not yourself."

She wasn't quite sure how to respond. "I'm not sure what you're saying," she said. Actually she was pretty sure she knew exactly what he was saying. She was just still trying to process it herself.

 _Luke had stopped by the house and had seen the picture Maddie had given to her, the one from Ft. Campbell. She and Deacon were standing on stage with the girls and Deacon had his arm around her and she had her arm around him. "Well, now_ _that_ _is a good looking family," he said, an edgy tone to his voice._

" _Luke," she said, a warning note in her own voice._

 _He just looked at her for a moment and then breathed out, shaking his head. "You know, Rayna, I've tried to be understanding about all this, but it just keeps feeling like it's hitting me over the head every time I turn around."_

 _She looked away from him. Her own feelings were so mixed up. She'd been so sure of everything, been so sure about the two of them, right up until Maddie's video had leaked. He'd made it abundantly clear, ever since, that it had thrown him for a loop and he still seemed to be having trouble getting past it. She looked back at him then. "I'm sorry about that," she said._

 _He looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Are you?" he asked. "'Cause it doesn't really seem much like it."_

 _She breathed out, feeling irritated. "Well, I really don't know what you mean by that, because I've done nothing but try to reassure you about it, but it doesn't seem like you believe me." She tensed up, standing rigidly, her gaze steady._

 _He finally looked away and ran a hand over his mouth. He put his hands on his hips and turned back to her. "You know, it's hard to believe there's nothing between y'all." He actually sounded more resigned than he did angry._

" _Well, there is. I mean, we have a daughter together. And a history. And we're trying to work it out as we go." She wasn't sure what she expected him to say or even what she wanted him to say._

 _He sighed. "I think you do need to figure this out, Rayna. With your family. Whatever that means to you. And me? I think I need to take a step back for a minute to let you do that."_

Deacon looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Seemed to me like there was tension there. Between you and Luke. After I was on stage with you and the girls."

She looked away for a second, breathing in, then back at him. "There was," she said. "Kind of." He didn't respond, just seemed to be waiting her out. She shrugged and looked down at the floor. "The news about Maddie, I guess, kind of took him by surprise." She looked back at him. She couldn't be sure, but for a second she thought she saw the twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

"You didn't tell him?" he asked.

She sighed. "I didn't want to tell the world, Deacon. I wanted Maddie to have time to process through it and figure out what it all meant for her. I wanted the two of you to have time to feel comfortable together. Somehow that ended up including him."

He raised his eyebrows and nodded, not saying anything for a moment. "So, you happy?" he asked again. Before she had a chance to respond, he continued. "'Cause I was thinking it felt real comfortable, us all being on stage together. Like a family. The way we always talked." He shrugged. "And reading what you wrote, well, I started thinking maybe we should try being happy. Together."

She couldn't help the little quiver that raced through her. But instead of fear, it felt warm. It felt comfortable. It felt like home. She bit down on her lip for a moment, then smiled at him. "Maybe we should."

 **THE END**

 _ **As always, thanks so much for reading and thanks to those who leave reviews. Always appreciated.**_


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